or to keep the peace, maybe you think it’s not a big deal but your partner, friend, coworker, parent feels otherwise.
Do you apologize just to validate him?
I always though if I don’t feel bad about it, fuck it, I’m not apologizing, deal with it. It’s not my fault you’re so thin skinned. Grow up.
Now I’m thinking I should be more empathetic and apologize, just to make the aggravated person feel validated, even though I don’t feel bad (or that bad).
This gets more complicated because many times coworkers feel offended because I don’t share my personal life with them or I’m so concentrated on my job that I don’t notice them. Do I apologize for not noticing them?
I try to be aware that needlessly apologizing devalues my apologies. I don’t have an issue saying it, but I refrain from doing so unless I actually mean it.
You don’t necessarily need to apologize to take ownership of your impact.
When you acknowledge how your words and actions affect someone (regardless of intent) you make that relationship safer, more responsive, and more connected.
Ownership is acknowledging the effects of your behavior, not absorbing all blame or excusing harmful behavior from either party.
It sounds like “When I did X, the impact on you was Y…here’s what I’ll do differently,” which lowers defensiveness and invites collaboration on solutions.
Sorry im Canadian. I don’t know what you mean. 😅
Yes… Apologies aren’t about fault for me. They are about recognising other’s suffering, and possibly about acknowledging my contribution to that situation.
The apology isn’t about you, it’s about the other person, and showing you care about them.
I tend to disagree (to a degree, (lel)). An apology is also a sign of regret of a previous action imo.
It can be problematic when there’s no established actual violation and you simply go along with whoever is doing the demanding…
People who demand apologies are seldom the type who actually deserve apologies. Discernment is quite necessary here, if you apologize unduly, you are setting a pattern that helps establish the response they expect even when they act unreasonably or uncivilly.
People who actually care about you and actually need the whole “showing them you care about them” are almost never the ones doing the demanding
There’s a Catch-22 or tricky situation with that but you can avoid much of it by recognizing close people’s birthdays, anniversaries, or other inside dates of importance. I will say anybody who acts like you’re in trouble or deep shit if you dont recognize them for some random date, they are probably trouble you dont need. That date is a power they have harnessed you with
You need to decide if you forget their date or whatever thing: do you need to cede that right for them to make your life hell? Why do you owe them any of that?
This upsets me and I demand an apology.
I’m upset that you’re upset.
At work, I apologize all the time.
With real people I actually care about, I only apologize for specific things I’ve done wrong. That way they know I mean it.
Id never thought about it in this way before. I apologize all the time just to keep things moving quick and easy, but maybe I should learn to be a bit more discerning for the sake of trust? Definitely something to think about
A key part is that you have to examine your own behavior with a critical eye.
There are times when apologies are more of a social lubricant or a way to signal you aren’t angry or hostile. Quickly apologizing for not hearing your coworker and asking them what they need might speed things along and get them away from you faster. You don’t need to feel any real sympathy for them. In this situation, an apology is more like a rote phrase said to ease into conversation and allow the other person a few seconds to move from “get their attention” mode back to “thing i need to say to them” mode.
For personal information, the purpose of an apology is just to slightly gentle the blow of not answering the question. Useful for maintaining a neutral relationship with coworkers. If the question is reasonable but you don’t want to answer (how was your vacation? do you like a particular musician?), you might consider tacking on an apology. If the question is out of line or inappropriate in that environment (are you gay? do you have a good relationship with your parents? what’s your body count? why won’t you give me $100?) a lack of apology gives them less opportunity to press.
Anyway, that’s where I’m at with it, but I’m not known for being socially adroit. A real apology is longer and comes with recognition of harm done, etc. You’re so sorry you spilled that coffee on their lap. You’ll watch where you’re going from now on. Do they need a first aid kit or some towels? The kind of day to day apology for not hearing someone is just a brief acknowledgement of them as a human so you can both get on with things.
Thats sort of disingenuous and also inauthentic tho. Its really not helping anyone when you affirm non-existsnt grievances
I did it so much in a retail job that the supervisor told me to stop saying sorry all the time and of course I immediately replied “sorry.” Being autistic and socially anxious will do that unfortunately. It’s taken time and I’ve gotten a bit better at not apologising for things that aren’t my fault, but it’s still an annoying habit.
I apologize constantly for everything, my fault or not. I’m very annoying. I would learn towards the side of keeping the peace generally though.
What would happen if you just… didnt and just did your business? Why are the apologies needed?
Yeah, I basically apologize for existing in the same space as other people.
Bad habit. How come they dont apologize equally to you?
Only if I can come up with a way that the thing could possibly be my fault, intentional or not. Like making a decision without asking first, or because I reminded them of something upsetting without intending to like reminding them of something other than what we are talking about. The latter is going to be the ‘I’m sorry I upset you’ not a real apology, because I’m not really sorry for saying the thing, just that it caused them to be upset.
In the past I would apologize for things I didn’t do and all it did was make things worse because it was just a reflex response and it wasn’t like I could avoid doing things I didn’t do in the first place in the future.
At work I will apologize for things that may be due to not having enough information, but in that case at best I’m going to apologize for not finding out what I didn’t know. It is kind of bullshit, but at least they tend to provide more information in the future. It is catering to people who can’t admit their own faults to a degree, but ends up being like small talk, something we do to get other people to work as a team.
There is no simple answer to this. It’s like at least three factors interacting. How much empathy do you feel towards the other person? How close is your relationship on the scale of strangers bumping into each other on the street to best friends forever? How big an issue has any of this been objectively (or as close as you can get there)? So that’s three sliding scales to adjust to get an outcome. The closer a relationship is, the harder this can be because there is history and people (I’m including myself in this) can be very petty.
Just judging by the hints you dropped you should probably reconsider your approach to your coworkers. And I don’t mean you need to be submissively apologetic all the time and share everything from your private life, even your hemorrhoid problems, with the crew. You’ll probably make your life easier just on a human level plus improve odds of promotion if you do more of that, even if it feels more line cosplay to you. I share your “grow the eff up”/no bullshit stance but that only works in a group of like minded people.
