I have two kids under 2 years old and I have a friend who has a daughter the same age as mine.
My wife is friends with his wife and they talk often. She recently told my wife that my friend wants to have another kid, but she doesn’t appreciate how little he showed up with this first child and she wants to wait for his “dad instincts” to kick in before they have another child.
I found this surprising as I have gone out several times with my friend where we have taken our daughters for play dates and he always seemed like a kind and caring father to me. Very attentive to what his daughter was doing and always running after her. I also did not understand what “Dad instincts” meant.
So a few weeks ago we arrange to catch a game together at a local bar with a few other friends. I have not been able to get out much as two kids are very demanding, but I was looking forward to catching up with my friend because the other people we were meeting don’t have kids and my friend and I would have something common to talk about.
So we meet up and we initially talk about our kids. I ask how his family is and he does the same. I’m telling him all the things my kids have been up to and I can see that he is nodding and smiling, but did not seem to be listening to anything I was saying.
When I finish talking he suddenly says, “Hey look at who I have for my fantasy lineup this week,” and he breaks out his phone and starts showing me.
That was the moment I saw it. Exactly what his wife had been complaining about. I feel like my life has grown so much, but he was reminding me of what we were like 5 years ago or more.
Our friends showed up later and he does not bring up his family once. All he talked about with them was going to play golf and out to restaurants. He was making all these plans for the next two weeks and all I thought about was, “What about your wife and kid? Won’t they need you on those days?”
I didn’t know what to think of it at the time. I was just shocked that his priorities seemed so different when he has the same responsibilities I do and people counting on him to be around.
More of an answer to the title question, but absolutely.
I left home at 18 to join the military, but my high school friends were still close knit. We’ve grown apart, but there are so many wild differences in the group as a whole now that we’re full fleged adults and have been for a little bit. We’re all so different now, it’s pretty wild.
One had a kid early in her 20s and struggled to get through schooling while raising a kid and supporting her household. She found solid work and had to drop her degree to focus on that. One got into a big company and has fast tracked promotions until moving to another company for big money. Once settled into that, had kids and now is living the classic American upper middle class lifestyle. One happened upon an internship that completely changed her degree trajectory and now she’s incredibly happy in a position no one would have expected for her. I don’t know if kids are on the menu, but she’s certainly enjoying traveling for now.
And then I’m sort of starting all over after ending a long term relationship and moving and getting a new group of friends locally and and and.
So absolutely everyone has hugely different priorities. Maybe not as self centered as your mate’s, but life has really worked all of us into different paths.