I have two kids under 2 years old and I have a friend who has a daughter the same age as mine.
My wife is friends with his wife and they talk often. She recently told my wife that my friend wants to have another kid, but she doesn’t appreciate how little he showed up with this first child and she wants to wait for his “dad instincts” to kick in before they have another child.
I found this surprising as I have gone out several times with my friend where we have taken our daughters for play dates and he always seemed like a kind and caring father to me. Very attentive to what his daughter was doing and always running after her. I also did not understand what “Dad instincts” meant.
So a few weeks ago we arrange to catch a game together at a local bar with a few other friends. I have not been able to get out much as two kids are very demanding, but I was looking forward to catching up with my friend because the other people we were meeting don’t have kids and my friend and I would have something common to talk about.
So we meet up and we initially talk about our kids. I ask how his family is and he does the same. I’m telling him all the things my kids have been up to and I can see that he is nodding and smiling, but did not seem to be listening to anything I was saying.
When I finish talking he suddenly says, “Hey look at who I have for my fantasy lineup this week,” and he breaks out his phone and starts showing me.
That was the moment I saw it. Exactly what his wife had been complaining about. I feel like my life has grown so much, but he was reminding me of what we were like 5 years ago or more.
Our friends showed up later and he does not bring up his family once. All he talked about with them was going to play golf and out to restaurants. He was making all these plans for the next two weeks and all I thought about was, “What about your wife and kid? Won’t they need you on those days?”
I didn’t know what to think of it at the time. I was just shocked that his priorities seemed so different when he has the same responsibilities I do and people counting on him to be around.
Being devil’s advocate here. I like to talk about my kid but I also know other people generally don’t care. You care about your kids its rare for other people, even friends and other parents. So idk whether just not mentioning them or caring about yours matters as to his actual dadness. I would also say that your friend may know he’s free those days for one reason or another. Maybe his wife has unreasonable expectations. The kids are always first but it is possible to make time for your relationship and yourself with some communication and luck. There are also often variations in which parent may be “primary” at times.
I have heard and seen some parenting things done that are well outside what I/we would do. Sleep training at 2mo, a sorta family pacifier (toddler would drop it, dad/mom would put in their mouth then back in toddler mouth), the cry it out method, being super stringent about feeding times and amounts, allowing rolling walkers, letting baby play at 2am, piercing ears, circumcision, etc. These babies are still growing up fine as far as anyone can tell.
Your friend and his wife need to communicate with each other and may be helped by couples therapy. You also need to communicate with your friend, judging him from a 2ndhand account by a person biased by their involvement and your own standards is wild.