I have two kids under 2 years old and I have a friend who has a daughter the same age as mine.
My wife is friends with his wife and they talk often. She recently told my wife that my friend wants to have another kid, but she doesn’t appreciate how little he showed up with this first child and she wants to wait for his “dad instincts” to kick in before they have another child.
I found this surprising as I have gone out several times with my friend where we have taken our daughters for play dates and he always seemed like a kind and caring father to me. Very attentive to what his daughter was doing and always running after her. I also did not understand what “Dad instincts” meant.
So a few weeks ago we arrange to catch a game together at a local bar with a few other friends. I have not been able to get out much as two kids are very demanding, but I was looking forward to catching up with my friend because the other people we were meeting don’t have kids and my friend and I would have something common to talk about.
So we meet up and we initially talk about our kids. I ask how his family is and he does the same. I’m telling him all the things my kids have been up to and I can see that he is nodding and smiling, but did not seem to be listening to anything I was saying.
When I finish talking he suddenly says, “Hey look at who I have for my fantasy lineup this week,” and he breaks out his phone and starts showing me.
That was the moment I saw it. Exactly what his wife had been complaining about. I feel like my life has grown so much, but he was reminding me of what we were like 5 years ago or more.
Our friends showed up later and he does not bring up his family once. All he talked about with them was going to play golf and out to restaurants. He was making all these plans for the next two weeks and all I thought about was, “What about your wife and kid? Won’t they need you on those days?”
I didn’t know what to think of it at the time. I was just shocked that his priorities seemed so different when he has the same responsibilities I do and people counting on him to be around.
You sound reasonable, and I don’t have all the information, but maybe I can play devil’s advocate.
Suppose your friend is actually a good dad, and is using his time without his kids around to catch up with his friends, listen to what’s topical in your life, and then do something other than talk about his kids?
This is a non-rhetorical good faith question: should kids be the sole focus of their parent’s lives once they have them?
I agree that kids need to be the top priority once people have them, no question there. But aren’t parents allowed to have lives of their own as well?
I don’t have kids and I’m at the age where most of my friends have them. The folks I knew whose only focus was on their kids gradually phased out of the group. Many of those people ended up divorced unfortunately. The parents I see regularly spend most of their time on their kids, but also have hobbies and interests outside of just kid stuff.
People who have their own lives in addition to being good parents seem to be happier and more well rounded. It also makes connecting with them easier for people without kids. I’m up to date on their kids, go to birthdays, and occasionally babysit. We have kid friendly dinners at each other’s homes, go camping with kids, etc… But we also go out once in awhile without them, catch games, play golf.
I feel like that’s healthier.