I don’t see any potential conflict of interest here whatsoever

That’s a tough one, I’ve had the same TV since I was 4 (17 now). It’s probably exactly what your friend is looking for (no internet connection, has ports for HDMI, SCART, and the red-white-yellow cables), but it’s pretty old so I don’t imagine it’s being sold anymore.

It’ll break at some point, despite my wishes, so I’ll end up dealing with this question soon enough

I know bisexual means attracted to both genders, not sure about the others. Try Wikipedia.

Idk man I’m too mucy of a whimp

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That sounds reasonable