Thank you for sharing. Does that change at all if we are not currently at a workplace as in a company, but it is still a professional career-oriented program? I’m really not sure where else I am supposed to find a partner if not at a place where everyone is around the same age and well-rounded, especially when there’s this time constraint. Dating is difficult!

I know it’s confusing but I feel the need to clarify after reading your comment. Thank you for sharing first of all. It was not that I wanted to exclude her due to competition over him. In fact, I asked him enthusiastically wanting to know who he liked at that time, and therefore who he was considering bringing in. We were basically bros at that point and I hadn’t thought of him that way at all. He didn’t want to speak too soon and said he’ll see how things unfold. I actually figured it out later on, when she was flirting with one of the guys from our group, and vice versa. He saw all of this and looked pretty bummed. So I would be a hypocrite if I expected drama free space with the bros yet actively instigated drama, which I do not believe I am? Just trying to understand, based on the definition of hypocrisy.

So, should I tell them the truth? Or at least the one I like? I did mention that I spent more time with them in the past before I had a chance to branch out more and meet new people which is what I always like to do.

Please see updates in the post. I would really appreciate your advice here!

Thank you for sharing. I’m worried about the extremely awkward conversation I had with Bob and that he will harp on that rather than the hugs thing when talking to his friend. That conversation sent everything in a spiral and became this huge pain point that can undermine my friendship with his friend (most important to me out of all this), more than the hugs themselves. Ugh I hate that this happened and am afraid of the consequences or that it’ll change all dynamics. Won’t his friend feel like I’m hiding something or not being honest if I don’t proactively communicate with him? Or, would this be a don’t tell if he doesn’t ask? Is it more likely that bringing this up will open a new box of problems and backfire?

I hear you and that’s always wise, but I’m really not sure where I’m supposed to meet someone. At extracurricular clubs or people from completely other professional teams at this organization?

Thank you for sharing. I’m struggling because his friend is one of my closest friends, and I don’t want to jeopardize that. I feel like I did start to get emotionally attached during my deep conversation with his friend yesterday. Do you think it’s not a good idea because they’re such best buddies and will put bro code above me? Should I talk to his friend today when we’re one on one in person? If so, what should I even say without obliterating all potential of friendship developing into something more with him (the friend)? There are a lot of politics here too so whatever happens, we all need to at least be on good terms with each other.

I am so uncomfortable because of the new developments! He not only called but Facetimed me, and obviously does not want to have a trail. I am glad he ignored the reply I sent back via work email at the time but I thought that was it and he has resurfaced. What are your thoughts on the new developments described in my response to Aphelion above? This is so uncomfortable and I feel trapped!

Thank you for your advice. I liked your suggestion and did exactly this, even including a more distant salutation and explicitly saying “Farewell” whereas in my mass email to the whole group, I stated this isn’t Farewell. He ignored my email thankfully, however he has called me again recently after I met Ann to thank her for her help. What are your thoughts on the new developments described in my response to Aphelion above? This is so uncomfortable and I feel trapped!

Oh man they both didn’t deserve you and another ounce of your energy! Thank you so much and will warmly welcome you to guest on my podcast haha, sending a big online hug back!

Thank you so much for your input, a lot to think about. I think I will wonder about him from time to time and worry about his welfare. It’ll have to be from a distance. Stay well!

Not the same person but I don’t know if that makes this better or worse, girl. And I’m fully aware my dating record so far has potential for a pretty profitable heartbreak podcast :'( Narcissist, tortured bad boy, lovebombers, guy who dumps me right before my favorite holiday, middle aged coworker who almost kidnaps me (we weren’t dating, but damn).

It helped so much to imagine everything without the sparkly tingly feels. Frightening. I agree it was moving way too fast from his side and I truly hope he finds the resources to heal. I told him he deserves happiness and hope he stays well. I’ll think about him time to time from afar. Unable to be with him, unable to forget him. That’s the way it goes. Thank you for your help, friend

Well said, I still have scars but at least they’re not open wounds anymore. And I do believe the breakup helped him in his journey even if it didn’t seem like it to either of us at that point in time. It shook him awake a bit and hopefully offered some new perspective.

Thank you for the reminder, friend. I sometimes am the hardest on myself.

Thank you for your edit. I feel like some people will think you’re being dramatic and that strangulation specifically sounds like this far-fetched phenomenon. However, I believe this is really important to address.

I want to share my two cents and illustrate why it’s not all that uncommon yet how common it is for this to be overlooked. I once was into kinky choking with significant others. I no longer entertain this and will stand by this no matter how tempted. In a frisky moment with my narcissist ex’s hands on my neck, he straight up said: “I want to SUFFOCATE you”. No one has ever said something like that to me, he was completely unprovoked, we were in good moods, and we didn’t even have so much as a disagreement at that point. For him to say that to me, as a narcissist who isn’t a veteran with PTSD, let alone a veteran with PTSD who clearly a massively damaged and dangerous person AND has war trauma, is chilling as is. Add in a few fights and drama, that becomes an even more concerning situation.

I’m not trying to dictate what people should do in the confines of their bedrooms, but I have to at least voice this. Take the kinky element out of the picture for a second. That is a full-grown man sucking the oxygen out of a woman’s lungs, both in their most vulnerable and defenseless states. If a form of taking someone’s life is what gets you going, that’s your choice and a different story entirely. I’m just saying it’d be wise to think twice, think about what actions are actually happening right before your eyes and if the risk is worth the reward. I haven’t even gotten to the psychological and mental effects that can come from glorifying choking and downplaying its dangers. There are plenty of studies online with statistics of choking inadvertently becoming fatal. One does not need to intend to murder, in order for it to happen.

I’ll even share one more. After breaking up from the narcissist, I had an extremely successful, attractive, well-liked guy tell me that he chokes anyone else in the room when he watches a horror movie. I later read up on it, and this is also not healthy behavior. So if this can be such a common concept thrown out in everyday conversation, why would anyone want to purposefully subject themselves to this literally life-threatening position - for the cheap thrills? Because they do it online? “Everyone” else does it therefore you should too?

PS: I’m not a prude and am all for other playful kinky delights with the right person. Just felt the need to share this from my personal experience which is also supported by clinical research.

Narcissist ex was Mr. Charm who became Mr. Harm. I was reeling from that for the whole year. The worst part is I think part of him genuinely regretted not being capable of knowing better than he did in the moment and couldn’t undo it. But no matter how remorseful he was in that instant, his narcissism is so deeply rooted that it would just be alleviating a symptom and not curing the disease. I was heartbroken but knew I couldn’t heal him, fix him, save him. Sometimes I still catch myself thinking about it as if I missed the solution that could make us work, but then I remind myself of the same reality - he is a narcissist who is fundamentally different from me and I would only be signing up for more pain rather than learning the lesson at a root level.

So sorry for what you had to go through and thank you for sharing. I do think he needs some time and space to heal. I feel awful for what he had to endure. His PTSD is from serving as a veteran rather than family abuse as far as he knows. Does that change anything?

Great analogy and points made, thank you. I do think he needs some time and space to heal. I feel sorry for him and what he had to go through. But part of me knows I can’t subject myself to healing him, or myself alongside him. It’s too much all at once. One more thing, his PTSD is from serving as a veteran rather than family abuse as far as he knows. Does that change anything?

Thank you so much! I really should and need to after investing a lot into my goals. I’m starting to feel bad for feeling attracted to him. More importantly, I was trying to understand why was I falling for him and what I can do to not keep going for the wrong guys.

Would you mind elaborating? It’s a topic I’ve been curious about since dating a narcissist in the hopes of protecting myself going forward. For this guy, is it because of how he was always the hero of the story? I’ve been trying to see if I can identify narcissistic traits that resemble my ex. So far, this guy has asked more questions and does seem genuinely caring/curious about me. But sometimes he doesn’t respond at all to what I say and he’ll jump to a new unrelated topic which I thought could be PTSD.

Red flag parade lol! But yes very true, I think poor guy knows it too and is really trying to turn it around. I literally told him I’m not sure if it’s my trust issues or he’s a walking red flag, and he took it very well. That’s also why I’m attracted I think, he is so sweet after all he’s been through. But reading everyone’s warnings was a wake-up call and made me feel bad and questioning myself for feeling attracted to him. Thank you so much

Thank you so much! I really needed to hear it and hope I can see that more myself soon.