or to keep the peace, maybe you think it’s not a big deal but your partner, friend, coworker, parent feels otherwise.
Do you apologize just to validate him?
I always though if I don’t feel bad about it, fuck it, I’m not apologizing, deal with it. It’s not my fault you’re so thin skinned. Grow up.
Now I’m thinking I should be more empathetic and apologize, just to make the aggravated person feel validated, even though I don’t feel bad (or that bad).
This gets more complicated because many times coworkers feel offended because I don’t share my personal life with them or I’m so concentrated on my job that I don’t notice them. Do I apologize for not noticing them?
You don’t necessarily need to apologize to take ownership of your impact.
When you acknowledge how your words and actions affect someone (regardless of intent) you make that relationship safer, more responsive, and more connected.
Ownership is acknowledging the effects of your behavior, not absorbing all blame or excusing harmful behavior from either party.
It sounds like “When I did X, the impact on you was Y…here’s what I’ll do differently,” which lowers defensiveness and invites collaboration on solutions.
It’s funny, because that is the exact apology formula that is taught by therapists. That is a proper apology. The word sorry is actually optional. Many people say they’re sorry but don’t actually apologize. Because they don’t acknowledge their own actions. An apology is an action, not mere words. Saying sorry without change in your actions might fulfill social norms but it is detrimental to all relationships and it makes you seem less trustworthy going forward.