This happens in Germany.
Work culture doesn’t fit my personality: I don’t talk much, I keep to myself, I simply want to do my job and go home, I separate my personal life from work, my colleagues are full fledged gossips, ignore the duties that need to be done and then expect me to help them when they are late. I don’t have patience for that crap anymore.
Due to internal regulations, I have to stay on the unit for 4 weeks after sending my notice. Answering honestly the question of why I’m quitting would ensure that they yell at me and bully me, and I don’t want to experience that again. Even saying ‘it’s none of your business’ ensures that they feel insulted and start yelling. I have decided I don’t have patience for people like that anymore.
So, what do I say?
The mothership has been signalled and I must prepare the bunker.
You’re setting out on your lifelong dream of being a champion pogo-stick jumper. The diet and exercise routine to get you into peak physical and mental shape will be all-consuming.
This is where my mind went too. Instead of a dull response, come up with some elaborate, ridiculous response.
Tell them you got recruited by the US CIA to root out foreign corporate espionage and begin your training with Seal Team Six in 4 weeks.
So, an elaborate form of “if I told you, I’d have to kill you after”
“My undercover job here is done.”
I need to move to Frisia to cater for my ailing mother.
Which Frisia?
This one. I didn’t know there was another?
East, West or North Frisia?
It was a joke, I was just picking somewhere far away.
“oh damn, you guys didn’t know? I feel bad for you but it’s probably too late for you now. Guess you’ll find out soon enough.”
Then: complete radio silence.
This damnable prison of log and ice eats away at my fibre. I find the lack of culture astonishing.
Just say, “I don’t feel passionate about this work and I want to look for something that I find more fulfilling.”
Assuming they don’t know what you’ll be doing after?
Say “found a new opportunity.”
You could be headed into unemployment and that’d still be a businesslike and no nonsense reply.
“well, with how things are going…”
“You’ll find out soon enough”
“You know about mice and ships…?”
Refuse to elaborate further.“ I would love to stay but a personal matter has arisen “
Or
“I was made an incredible offer I could not refuse”
Go with the standard politician non-answer: “to spend more time with family”. I have no idea if German politicians give the same stock response though!
I won the lottery.
My mental health can’t handle this bullshit.
I had an opportunity I couldn’t pass up.
I have to care for my father/mother/aunt/dog.
I want to travel and see the world.
I hate you.
I hate (insert random coworker/boss here.)
My wife/husband is taking care of me.
Onlyfans makes more than here.
Ha, tell each one that you hate a different one!
The water is too crunchy here.
They’ve changed the kale vendor at the bistro I frequent, it’s now a much inferior product. Unfortunately the next closest establishment that serves my favorite lemon kale salad is too far away, so I have had to take employment elsewhere.
Say you could never find the bathroom.
I need a sabbatical. Canada maybe or New Zealand. A retreat to a monastery also sounds nice. I will rebuild an old farm house. Something along these lines. :)
It doesn’t have to be the truth, or does it?
“You! You’re the reason I’m quitting. Yeah, you’re just kind of a shithead, you never do anything, you just kinda run your mouth all day long and I can’t fucking stand it. Like an unbuttered piece of toast thinking it’s interesting…”
And then scream at them, start laughing like a maniac for some time and start crying loudly.
That will be the most awkward interaction ever.
