Edit: People are really making me out to be an evil psychopath with no empathy. I get that you can only tell so much from one post, but it’s incredibly far from the truth. I have people that love and adore in my life and would do anything for. It just takes me a long ass time to get to that point…and as an introvert, my social battery with new people wears down quickly. Online dating is just difficult. I am not rude to others. Conversations just quickly peter out and neither I or my match end up continuing for much longer. The “ghosting” I speak of is often mutual. These aren’t people I’ve interacted with for months that I suddenly stop talking to. It’s chatting for a day or several and then we peter out.
If you think from this small post that I am such a psychopath as to discard a literal child, I don’t know what to tell you. It’s just leaping to such wild conclusions that I don’t even know how to respond. I don’t even necessarily want kids…I just want to be able to have the option to.
I’m sorry if this is too odd or specific of a question, but I have a bit of a dilemma.
I live alone. I have some work friends work friends, but they basically stay just friends at work. So I get lonely sometimes. And sometimes I just want to have someone around to do stuff with me. And sometimes I wonder what it might be like to raise a family.
So I occasionally try dating apps. But when I finally get someone to respond to me, my reaction is first a little bit of excitement, but then I get annoyed at having to chat with someone I just met all the time. So I unfortunately act like a dickhole by then ghosting them soon after. Even if I manage enough stamina to chat back and forth for a week or so, it always just ends up tiring and a bother to me.
The thing is, I don’t really have much capacity to feel attracted to people. I’m probably somewhere on both the asexual and aromantic spectrums. So you’d think, why date? Just make a friendship then. But there are some things you can’t do with a friend…like raise a family and such.
Plus, I don’t even think I could manage a friendship with how difficult it is for me to like someone. I don’t like anyone I just met. It takes a long time for me to enjoy and appreciate people, and many never actually make it to the point of someone I really like. There have been a couple of times where I have tried hanging out with people as friends and it’s just…kind of dissatisfying to me?? Yet I really like hanging out with certain members of my family. I don’t get it.
Plus like…what are you even supposed to do on a date or on an outing with friends? What are you supposed to say when you’re chatting with a partner? How long and often are you supposed to chat with each other? I feel like I need some sort of a step by step guidebook because I don’t even know what the hell people are supposed to do with each other.
Sorry if this is too specific. I’m just wondering if anyone else out there is as confused with human interaction as I am.
I’m curious. Is there anything you’re passionate about like gaming, sci-fi, anime, etc.? If so, you could always try attending conventions once in a while. Maybe you’ll find what you’re looking for at one.
Be honest about all that stuff when you meet someone. If you’re using a dating app, then be honest on your profile about it. Just come out and say it, otherwise the other person is going to be very confused, and think you’re really rude or weird. But, if you’re honest about it from the beginning, you might find a fellow misanthropist! It sounds like you really just want someone to hang out with, but not really have to talk to, or nurture a relationship with. I guarantee you that there are other people who want the same thing. So tell people what you want, and how you feel, and you might find someone who wants the same things!
Edit: that said, I would highly advise you not to have kids if you’re a misanthropist. The world already has enough bitterness in it. Kids are optimistic little creatures, and deserve the magic that is childhood.
On the one hand, I firmly believe that whatever attributes you have, there are people who want exactly that. On the other hand, the less popular those attributes are, the fewer people there are who want them. You apparently need someone who leans towards sexuality, is patient enough to deal with someone who is somewhat antisocial, and is willing to put up with kind of rude things like being ghosted or whatever, but is interested in reading a kid with someone like that. That’s a tiny percentage of people. You didn’t mention if you have other qualities that would be really attractive to people and might help balancing things out.
So what you do is just keep plugging at it, while understanding that it’s probably going to be a long search.
Lol. I wasn’t looking to make this into a dating ad for myself. So no, I didn’t list my positive qualities. I was just explaining my difficulties with dating in general and that I’m a bit confused as to how the whole thing works for everyone.
Oh, I understood, just saying that all we heard was a bunch of negatives for most people, and I’m trying to recognize that they might be somewhat balanced by some positives.
For most attributes, most people fall somewhere within normal tolerances. People might lean towards being introverted or extroverted, have sex as a higher or lower priority, etc., but they aren’t that far away from a midpoint. You have some attributes that you’re way out at the 90+ percentile, and that means your experience is likely going to be different from most people’s.
That’s probably pretty frustrating. You’re as deserving of happy, rewarding relationships as anyone, but like the guy with the size 16 shoe, you’re going to be harder to fit than most.
Fwiw, my partner and I have been dating 4 years and have only had sex a few times. She’s demi and I’m ace.
Maybe try OkCupid and set yourself as demi?
How did you two meet? Seems to be an unusual situation tbh!
OkCupid lol
You may be overthinking it - everyone is different, and wants different things.
You’ll probably find it easier to hang out with people that share common interests though, and that might be harder if your interests do not match those around you.
Do whatever you want, so long as you let others do the same.
I resonate with most of your post. I deleted and rewrote this 5 different ways because I simply just don’t post on the internet, but I’ve been coming around to the possibility that I’m gay with maybe some demi or ace on the side. As another more eloquent commenter said, I’m not saying that this is the case for you, but it just put things into perspective for me that I may have been unaware of a dimension of myself even in my mid-30s. Hope you have a lovely day.
Also, I like your saying about how everything changes, and to stick it out for the next inevitable change. I added it to my growing mantra list.
To be honest, I have thought now and then that “maybe I’m just gay”. But I still don’t seem to feel any of that stuff as strongly as sexual people do so idk.
I’ve never dated someone from the same sex, but I’ve been curious about it. These asexual dating sites are mostly filled with men, though, so it’s hard to find a woman both that I’m interested in and that ends up responding to me. My profiles put me as open to both men and women, but I’ve yet to find a woman that wants to mutually chat tbh.
Well good luck to us both! I have yet to find someone, but I hope we each find what we’re looking for
Thank you very much for your kind words. Same to you! 😊
Raising a kid, if that is what you mean by “raising a family” is a huge drain on anyone’s social battery.
It’s not so much the interaction with the little bugger, although that gets to be a huge drain when they reach puberty, but for me the other associated interactions deplete my battery instantly: P.e. Being forced to be polite to kid’s friends parents, teachers, others that you normally would just ignore because, tbh, most are bigot dumb fucks. I’m really happy that I can delegate many of these chores to my partner, but their batteries are also not limitless.
You should probably check out how far you can go on other irl social interactions before you start a family, and please don’t just do it because others seem to like having their own little happy thing, much of that haplyness is only outwards, and many just break apart catastrophically, which may often be the hardest on the kid involved.
although that gets to be a huge drain when they reach puberty
Ugh. My kid was just as rebellious as I was in his teen years, and made me and my wife’s lives a living hell.
I’d say if you truly think you want a partner and not just company, then go talk to a therapist about it and work on turning things around.
If you just want company then go get a dog or cat.
Just curious on what you think this needs therapy for? I can’t change my sexual orientation (or lack thereof) and I can’t change my lack of social battery and I can’t magically love people I’ve just met, no matter how much therapy I could possibly have.
Haha I do think about getting a pet sometimes. Although they are a lot harder to travel with than another human being, for example!
I didn’t mean to imply that you need therapy more that if you feel this is something that you really want but can’t achieve then it would probably help to work that out with a therapist.
If it’s not something you want, then you’ll need to find companionship some other way since a relationship probably won’t work.
If you really want a relationship, you need therapy to figure out some things. Lemmy is not the place. From where we are all sitting, it sounds like you do not want a relationship. Or a healthy one at that
It’s interesting that people are suggesting that I just be alone forever or think that I need therapy to fix my orientation.
I mean, surely I can’t be the only person on the planet that can’t immediately fall in love with people they just met, right??? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills here that this is the answer. It takes me a long time to develop those kinds of connections.
Love is not the lightning bolt you see in movies. Find people you can tolerate and see if you can find someone you enjoy talking to or just being with. It’s ok if it takes a while to find someone you like.
No, you don’t need therapy to fix your orientation. You need therapy to get a better understanding of yourself. Your post and replies seem like you don’t actually want a relationship. And I don’t mean sex, I mean a human to human relationship. Like you even say you get tired of potential partners and ghost them and you say it like it’s nothing. That’s hella mean and spells out that you either don’t recognized how mean it is, or you do and you aren’t actually interested in people in general. If you just wanna talk to people for a little bit with such a short battery, then normal friendship would suffice.
No one’s asking you to fall in love. We’re saying you gotta reavaluate your wants.
Oh please, I’m hardly the only one that ghosts people on these sites. Half of the time, the other person stops talking and ghosts me instead. Online dating is a different sort of beast and it’s difficult to wade through it. I’m more than polite and friendly in person.
Hell, I’d actually like it if there was a way to set up in person dates with asexuals. It’s just difficult considering how rare asexuals are to begin with.
Oh please, I’m hardly the only one that ghosts people on these sites. Half of the time, the other person stops talking and ghosts me instead.
Looks like you need therapy for your lack of empathy. “At least half of the other people are assholes too” is a piss poor excuse for being an asshole yourself.
Your whole post is a big, glaring, flashing red flag. It makes it pretty clear that in a potential relationship of two people, only your feelings are important to you. Definitely not good friend material and you sure as shit shouldn’t be raising children.
They don’t deserve these kind of insults. They came here for help. They didn’t kick a child. Saying stuff like you’re saying is rougher, meaner, and more unhelpful than you might think it is.
Look, I don’t hate or dislike you. And I’m sorry if I came off as mean. Maybe you don’t need therapy, maybe you do. But I do stand by that you need to take a hard look at what you really want. Because on one hand you talk about how you can’t stand talking to people consistently for more than a few weeks. On the other you really want a relationship, or something similar.
Asexual is indeed a rare sexuality, but asexual and lacking the battery to deal with people more than a few weeks at a time is even rarer. You can’t have any sort of a family (that you mention on the post) with that sort of problem which is why I suggest therapy. Someone to get to know you and professionally align you to what you really want and need.
People do ghost others all the time. I’m not focusing on others though. I’m only mentioning it because it’s something you mentioned and not a good way to end a relationship. That’s not a healthy way to end the relationship and shows a lack of consistency in what you are trying to achieve.
Internet strangers can only provide so much insight here. I don’t wanna hurt you in any way, I do hope you find someone you don’t want to ghost at all. You’re ace, so I would try instead asking around for ace communities. They can at least get you on one track that you’re looking for.
Dogs are nice if you have the time, space, and energy for them. They’re always happy to see you and taking them out for walks or dog park can be a good way to meet other people.
You know that raising a family is not mandatory and that nobody is (or should be) forcing you to have one, right?
I don’t even know what the hell people are supposed to do with each other.
You’re supposed to do whatever you want to do that is pleasing or interesting for both. That means that if that activity is not pleasing for you, you shouldn’t do it.
If you don’t like people, you don’t. Forcing yourself to interact with people you’re not interested in is a bad idea.
You sound like you may have some schizoid qualities
Get platonic friends through a hobby, like D&D, online gaming, rock climbing, music, etc. Find something you can enjoy locally (ideally).
Go to an in-person event for a thing that you like and see if you enjoy the company of anyone there. I’m not sure how you’ll find a relationship if you can’t make a friendship first, so I would just start with friends.
Going to an event focusing on something you already like means that you will enjoy it even if you don’t meet anyone interesting and you will also have at least one thing in common with everyone there.
Also, you don’t have to talk to someone on an app all the time. Move off of the app (text, calling, in-person, etc.) and set a certain window of time for socializing. I get that you might feel pressure to talk constantly, but just be honest - something like, “hey, I like talking to you but I have other things to get done now; we can chat more later” works fine as long as they’re emotionally mature.
You’re only thinking about it from your own selfish perspective. Why the fuck would someone want to raise a family with someone who is aromantic and asexual. It’s obvious you both crave people and can’t stand them at the same time. That’s not a burden you should try to put on some one.
You’re right. Aro ace people should just kill themselves I guess?
no. you just have to understand you can’t get what you can’t give.
Instead of looking for people to date, look for people to be in your DND campaign.
Or else join the 501st legion or something like that.
Main point is that you don’t focus on the dating stuff and instead focus on the social interactions.
Being blunt here, but it seems like you like the idea of dating and relationships, but probably not the reality of them.
I would suggest a pair of guinea pigs.
