

Long term heavy drinking is really rough on the body. My cousin’s ex husband recently passed away from drinking. She left him because of if and his kids didn’t want much to do with him. He had been sober for a year and was just talking with my cousin about trying to have a relationship with his kids. It was going well. Then he died. It just doesn’t seem worth the risk.
What city are you close to? Can you look for work in Columbus? It’s much more liberal and there are more people who are like minded. You might feel safer being yourself, while still being close to home. It would be a smaller move, if you have to move.
If you have the ability to, please seek help from a professional. It sounds like you are really struggling. Once you are in a better place mentally it will be easier to tackle these life things you don’t have the motivation to do. You have been surviving so far, following what was expected of you. Now that there isn’t a definite next step it’s harder. I would recommend putting whatever energy you have into finding a therapist.
You can do this! You have reached out for help already, which is really hard. Honestly you are amazing to have survived with who you are intact. I can’t imagine the strength it would take to live with people who believe you should be killed. To constantly be afraid of being found and hurt. You grew up being enemy lines when it should have been a safe haven.