Really loving the “Just enough to be deniable” couch attacks on Vance.
As Stephen Colbert gleefully said of the couch story last week, “It’s not true, and nobody cares.”
The best part is that it really is kind of thing he might be into. It means that any attempt to deny it either makes him look much worse, or much more guilty.
Do you think anyone out there is trying it, American Pie-like? With a greasy rubber glove stuck to their junk?
Because that would be pretty great, too.
Horny teenagers probably did it within minutes.
Hell.
Vance probably tried it after a day or two. Probably the first time he hasn’t had any complaints after.
“You know what? I can’t believe some lib thought of this first, because this is great.”
I loved Seth Meyers’ first joke about it when he came back off break (which is when Trump picked Vance):
“It’s NOT TRUE that JD Vance had sex with a couch. It is JUST A RUMOR!”
…
…
“It was just hand stuff.”
However a lot of people are saying. Strong people, tough people. And they are saying very strongly. Lots of people. I don’t know, but a lot of people are saying it.
The best thing about it is that nobody actually believes it’s a real story. But it’s a great joke, because it just fits him so well. And the joke isn’t just that he would romance a loveseat, but that he might write about it without an ounce of self-awareness. The dude is not just awkward as fuck, but in a sinister sort of way. You could easily believe that if you left him alone with your own sofa, he might do unspeakable things.
I dunno man, I believe it’s true.
A couch is too risky. A love seat is right the fuck out. Maybe a recliner or kitchen chair is safe.
A fucking recliner? To reduce risk? You want to stick your dick into this thing? That’s a hard pass from me, friend.
Yeah, but there’s this thing…
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Oh, you mean the handle for the penis guillotine? Or are you thinking someone is going to… back onto it? 😳 I guess that could work.
Is he into extreme sounding?
No, not a fucking recliner, a fucking recliner.
I think they’re saying recliners were safe from Vance.
I think they’re underestimating his stupid
That makes way more sense. I should not comment in the middle of the night when I’m half awake.
oh sweety. thats not where you stick it at all.
Not where you stick it.
YOU LEAVE MY RECLINER ALONE!!!
No.
Well, alright. Just checkin’
and I’m checkin out the rest of your living room set.
La-z-boy recliners are ambush predators, I hope one manages to get him.
He doesn’t want love from his fuck toys. Just cushioning.
More cushioning for the pushioning
There was at least one “JD Vance did not have sex with a couch” headline that had to be changed, because how could anyone possibly know whether or not someone has fucked a couch? Journalistic integrity dictates that you only make statements like that if they can be backed up by facts. I could be fucking my couch right now and no one would ever know.
OF link? I’m asking for my friend, JD uh… Pants?
The AP apparently took the article down, but this talks about it.
I was trying to make a funny.
You had said:
I could be fucking my couch right now and no one would ever know.
To which I asked for an OnlyFans link so my buddy JD Pants could watch. But apparently I laid it on a little thick and obscured the joke. Everything always makes more sense in our own minds.
Ahahahaha now I feel dumb. I didn’t translate OF to OnlyFans, I just assumed it was some new-fangled internet slang used by the youngsters.
elizabeth warren lampoons trump and vance
S L A M S
Wise. One would steal and sell it, the other would fuck it.
I snorted my beer at that line. It was extra hilarious coming from someone so typically buttoned up and above the fray like Senator Warren. Gods I do like that woman.
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