I made a similar post a couple of years ago, but I think it’s time again after seeing a few nice-guy/incel posts here. So, guys who have made it to the other side, what would you say to your previous self? I’ll leave my own personal answer in a comment below.
If you wouldn’t want to date yourself, then why would anyone else? That might not help someone who feels doomed to be alone, but that’s really what it comes down to. The way out isn’t resenting others for not liking you - it’s becoming the kind of person people would want to like.
I also think there’s a lot of confusion around the idea of “nice guys.” It’s not that women love jerks - it’s that being a jerk can act as a proxy for confidence and perceived high value. It can work in the short term, but it’s not sustainable. What most people really want is someone who can stand up for themselves without constantly posturing. Being nice isn’t virtuous if it’s all you’ve got. Being capable but choosing to be kind - that’s the ideal. People want someone with boundaries, not a doormat.
This is what makes it feel pretty unfair to me, because many people that’s just not their personality. What if the person I really want to be is someone pleasant to be around but MOST people wouldn’t really want to date? I.e. being really esoteric, being quieter, really standing up for what they believe in (to the point where it’s annoying for 99% of people), whatever.
I know many people like that and I’m like yeah this person is nice fun to be around and pretty cool, but they’re too extreme in one way or another. Don’t get me wrong they COULD still find someone, but if you’re weird/different then your pool is a little reduced, and if you don’t want to be the center of attention it’s reduced multiplicatively. It’s like them being nice and pleasant and being the best version of themselves is great, but it can still be really really difficult for them to find someone.
Back in my incel years, a “female me” would’ve been a dream lol. I still lacked self-steem, but had a disproportionate view on my self worth despite being unremarkable in just about everything.
You sound like a regular person to me.