I made a similar post a couple of years ago, but I think it’s time again after seeing a few nice-guy/incel posts here. So, guys who have made it to the other side, what would you say to your previous self? I’ll leave my own personal answer in a comment below.
No, they really aren’t. Self care however does matter, and confidence matters, but looks alone do not
You asked what advice I would give my past self, so I said it. You don’t have to “high moral ground” me.
And look does in fact matter. To deny it is to be delusional.
I can 100% say that I and I believe most people here on this post are trying to help folks out. Anything beyond that is on you to interpret however you will.
I’ll be vulnerable, I don’t care. I was like you, I thought the same thing. I’m a paunchy guy who honestly hates looking at myself in the mirror. Early on I did not take great care of myself. I showered regularly but that was it. I never worked out, I shaved poorly, I didn’t think about what I wore, all of that, and it’s because I didn’t care. What I didn’t realize was that my feelings of not caring actually stemmed from a deeper place - that I was deeply unhappy with myself. Women don’t care about looks, but they can definitely tell that you’re unhappy, and your appearance is an obvious way that it shows.
So fast forward, I realized that and I started working out. I can’t say I hit the gym, but I just started taking care of myself. Emotionally, physically. I had to leave that headspace. I’m still paunchy, I’ll always deal with my weight and I’ll never be happy with my appearance, but I got out of that dark place I was in, and immediately my prospects turned around. If you start dealing with some of that emotional stuff then you kind of start feeling better about yourself in general, which people pick up on very quickly. There’s no magic “buy new clothes” or “hit the gym” because it’s all in your head, it’ll be up to you to figure out what needs to happen. So I’m telling you, as someone who was there - it’s not about the looks, it’s about how you feel about yourself. From your comment, I’d wager you aren’t so different from how I was, and so it truly comes from a place of empathy, ask yourself if you’re happy with yourself, and if not, why? It’s not easy, it’s far from easy, but just acknowledging some of that did wonders for me. It’s a long road but a very positive one.
Lack of self care leads to looking like shit.
Which I won’t say is unattractive, but someone who takes care of themselves is much more attractive. That can mean working out, it can also mean just making sure you don’t look like you’ve completely given up every day you walk out the door.