Tbh, “be yourself” is not a statement that can be taken literally.
It means “don’t put up an act and hide what you like” and not “behave like an asshole because you feel like it”.
As a counter-example: I overheard two guys I know a few years ago talking about how to get a second date. Their strategy was to rent an expensive car and matching suit and talk business jargon to appear like they have a ton of money while both of them were actually working minimum wage jobs.
That’s the kind of behaviour the “be yourself” line is trying to counter.
One of my exes took that statement to mean “be a moody asshole who constantly bitches about everything and everyone and when someone reacts to that unrestrained bad behaviour, call them out for rejecting your ‘true self’”. That’s not what’s meant by “be yourself”.
We teach kids that they should behave well, and we expect adults to do the same. Good/bad behavior is not a personality and “be yourself” doesn’t mean “behave badly”.
I don’t like the notion that if “being yourself” means people don’t like you, you must be acting like an asshole.
A lot of autistic people, for example, have to put on a mask just to function at all in society. Which is something that can be mentally and emotionally exhausting. When someone like that hears “just be yourself” it can be really frustrating, and the conflation of social skill with mortality I think causes a lot of harm.
I took the “asshole” as a simplified example. It’s a stand in for all kinds of bad behaviour. Behaving badly isn’t a personality type, it’s bad behaviour and nothing else.
If you don’t understand why you come across as condescending, ask about specific situations and actions that make you seem condescending. Often it’s something as simple as a choice of words or the way you talk about others. That’s usually quite easy to adjust, without denying who you are.
Tbh, “be yourself” is not a statement that can be taken literally.
It means “don’t put up an act and hide what you like” and not “behave like an asshole because you feel like it”.
As a counter-example: I overheard two guys I know a few years ago talking about how to get a second date. Their strategy was to rent an expensive car and matching suit and talk business jargon to appear like they have a ton of money while both of them were actually working minimum wage jobs.
That’s the kind of behaviour the “be yourself” line is trying to counter.
One of my exes took that statement to mean “be a moody asshole who constantly bitches about everything and everyone and when someone reacts to that unrestrained bad behaviour, call them out for rejecting your ‘true self’”. That’s not what’s meant by “be yourself”.
We teach kids that they should behave well, and we expect adults to do the same. Good/bad behavior is not a personality and “be yourself” doesn’t mean “behave badly”.
I don’t like the notion that if “being yourself” means people don’t like you, you must be acting like an asshole.
A lot of autistic people, for example, have to put on a mask just to function at all in society. Which is something that can be mentally and emotionally exhausting. When someone like that hears “just be yourself” it can be really frustrating, and the conflation of social skill with mortality I think causes a lot of harm.
But I don’t behave like an asshole.
When I am myself, I’ve been told I’m condescending or give off superiority vibes. But I don’t understand that at all.
I took the “asshole” as a simplified example. It’s a stand in for all kinds of bad behaviour. Behaving badly isn’t a personality type, it’s bad behaviour and nothing else.
If you don’t understand why you come across as condescending, ask about specific situations and actions that make you seem condescending. Often it’s something as simple as a choice of words or the way you talk about others. That’s usually quite easy to adjust, without denying who you are.
Alright thank you.