I just got ghosted by the girl I was talking to, I want to find another girl to talk to. This girl and I met at the gym, but I don’t want to be the guy that goes to the gym just to meet girls. I mean sure there’s the bar and Tinder, but I want a real relationship. I mean, I guess it’ll come to me.
Shared hobbies are often the best way to get your foot in the door. Book clubs, local events, concerts, charities, and religious locations are a good start.
Some great advice here already! So I’m going to suggest something novel:
Consider “settling,” just a tiny bit. What I mean is, don’t be so quick to assess someone new as A Partner…potential or otherwise. Try letting gals in who are attractive enough and carry themselves well, seem sane, easy going, smart, etc. Shared values, that sort of thing. A female friend with potential, if you will. See where it goes; be open to being surprised, pleasantly or otherwise.
I’ve seen so many younger men “auditioning” mates with unrealistic expectations about “clicking” or “just knowing” — and winding up as older bachelors who have never even had a chance topractice being in a relationship.
Yes, like literally anything else worth doing/having, it takes practice!
This is good advice. The issue with modern dating is people treat other people like amazon products… they want a return/full refund over the stupidest most inconsequential shit and have ‘requirements’ that are often ridiculously rigid and superfluous. That and they want instant, zero effort gratification. During the early dates… if there is any awkwardness or imperfection… they believe this is intolerable. I’ve had dates make dinner for me and the dinner game out imperfect, but perfectly edible and good, and they harped on it so hard and broke up with me over it.
Not to mention the double standards. Sooo many people want someone who is better than them and meets standards that they don’t meet.
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I had absolutely no luck trying. I went on dates, swiped apps, talked to every girl I thought was cute, and none of it went anywhere beyond some weird halfhearted relationships. About two weeks after I gave up altogether, I met a girl on my way to the water fountain and we just clicked. Six years down the line and we couldn’t be happier.
I guess my best advice is just don’t sweat it. Be yourself, do what makes you happy, put yourself in situations where you’ll meet new people, and sooner or later somebody will come along.
Nothing is less attractive than the stink of desperation. I said the same thing to a friend of mine. He was out of a relationship and looking for a new one. Within 6 months of not trying to find someone and just enjoying his life, there she was.
I think people are too quick to discount this advice but it’s honestly the best way to find a genuine life partner. Do stuff you love and if you find someone you’re interested in doing it (and they feel the same way) you have an excellent basis for a relationship.
And if that fails, if you do hobbies you love with other people, at least you’ll make new friends.
About two weeks after I gave up altogether, I met a girl on my way to the water fountain and we just clicked
I just have to say thank you for posting this, as I was just commenting earlier today how I got together with my (now) wife after giving up and focusing on myself. I really appreciate seeing that my experience isn’t a one off like I’ve been told before (which is amusing because I’ve had it happen multiple times since).
I’ve found the most important part of finding a mate on Lemmy is to run Arch Linux. If you do not run Arch Linux, are you even trying?
I use Arch BTW
Throw on some striped knee high socks and you’re in high demand.
Speaking of Linux, where can I find a woman who’s into that? Defcon?
Bro, go to as many concerts and gigs as you can. Take a single mate, its crazy watching how many random interactions take place.
Dont be scared to move around and chat to people. No one cares if you are trying to find a new viewing spot and its a great convo starter. I wish I went to more when I was younger.
But number 1 rule, earplugs
… So you’re at a concert, wandering around the crowd (with earplugs) just conspicuously sliding up to different spots and striking up conversations with attractive people while they’re enjoying the performance? I would emphasize you want something more like a festival where there are multiple events and people have down time in-between to socialize. A normal concert would be like wearing sunglasses to a theater and moving around to get “the best viewing spot” while talking to everyone which is creepy as hell and not a good setting to strike up an actual conversation.
Nah, I didnt explain myself well. You arent going just to chat to attractive people. I just see plenty of organic interactions whenever I go to a concert. You def have to enjoy the music and have a good time. Any social situation can be creepy or non creepy, the individual needs social awareness to understand the difference. I dont talk to people while the music is playing but inbetween songs or sets you can simply comment that was awesome. I agree with you about festivals, downtime is good to chat and chill
I was just worried someone might take it to heart without realizing the nuance lol. You or I may do well, but someone asking such a broad question like finding a partner probably doesn’t have that much social awareness (it’s been answered so many times and really all boils down to the individuals or specific situations like the scenarios we presented). I was just imagining a guy walking around in cargo shorts with socks and sandals awkwardly screaming “hi” at everyone with a pair of orange earplugs sticking out.
You might consider going to conventions, meetups, or other hobby events (including for other interests you might have)
slips off seat
Sorry, I’m only interested in serious partners. I use Gentoo.
I usually run
emerge firefoxthen have sex.But is Gentoo reliable enough?
For a fresh breath, I use Mint.
Did you build a beowulf cluster for double your pleasure and double your fun?
- use Arch Linux
- use a Cast-Iron Skillet
- be Vegan
I mean, I guess it’ll come to me.
Well first you need to have some respect for women and recognise they’re not commodities. You’ll never get a girl to come to you if you speak about them like that.
Didn’t mean it like that. The girl I just talked to came to me first. I really don’t expect every girl to come of me but you’re right regardless. I just was a bit sad.
No matter what so many people say, it’s not mandatory to have a partner!
Invest your effort in figuring out how to live with yourself. Build a life worth living on your own.
A right person might come, or not. But at least you didn’t waste your life chasing wrong goals.it’s not mandatory to have a job or a car or a house.
but the vast majority of us want those things and a life without them is pretty shitty.
I mean, I understand people not looking for a partner. But sometimes having a person close to you can help a ton especially in hard times and great for fighting loneliness.
I have a a couple of close friends, but they’re all moving away for work/stuff, and being alone is hitting hard.
Thank you for being one of the only people to be real about how it’s not a guarantee. You might not find anyone. I see way too much fairy tale thinking and all the “just wait, she’ll come” nonsense.
Being lonely sucks, being single in a society that requires 2 incomes sucks, but I think being in a shitty relationship just to be in a relationship is worse.
Unfortunately I’m writing from personal experience.
After too many years I don’t think I’ll ever find anyone. But accepting it was a relief. It’s terrifyingly lonely at times, but at least I’m not suicidal any more. And I understand who I am and what is my way of life.
I can’t understate the benefits of understanding oneself can have on mental health.
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And also, all relationships are valuable. A good friendship is a wonderful boon to your mental health… and if you’re seeking a relationship for sex there are far easier ways to do it.
Also, expanding on that, if you go into every interaction with a narrow expectation (e.g. to find the love of your life) you will be disappointed almost all the time but if you keep an open mind you might come out of that with some other positive interactions (a new friend, an interesting conversation, …) than you expected or were hoping for.
This one right here!
Love isn’t commanded, but if you have friends you’re so much more likely to meet people that might be like you, and that’s what makes love work in the long run too.
Good luck!
It isn’t, but loneliness sucks.
Good friends are a better cure to loneliness than one person, no matter how cool they are
I met my partner on hinge. Dating apps can be hit or miss, but I found it decent.
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38 and I still hate hearing that. I think the people that believe this just got lucky and have some survivorship bias or something.
If you’re a guy you have to do something. Women will not just walk into your life, you have to actively try to find someone. If you don’t have a circle of friends it’s exponentially more difficult (see recent man vs bear in the woods conversations) as women want absolutely nothing to do with a “strange” man (as in a stranger).
Online dating is for young people (low 20s) successful people (wealthy travelers) and the very very attractive. If you’re a “typical” guy the experience is soul crushing.
100%
Plus a lot of very attractive people who get lots of attention have zero clue what it’s like to be an average person who gets little to none. And they all think they ‘are just average’. Or that other people should just ‘make more of an effort’. Wealth has a lot to do with it too. Ask a welathy person for dating advice and they will just tell you go out and drop five figures out the latest fashionable designer outfits… which isn’t viable for the person of an average wealth who is only spending like a grand or two a year on clothing.
Things are privileges because you don’t know you have them. And pretty people are clueless about how they are treated and assume everyone else gets their level of interest.
Yeah, I think sometimes people hear stop looking for a bf/gf and hear stop meeting people. The trick is to focus on bettering yourself and/or being happy outside of a relationship and your natural boost in confidence and value will likely get you out of your relationship slump. If you’re actively pursuing friendships with no stakes beyond genuine enjoyment, I think it does up your chances.
Also people hear stop looking for a relationship, and hear stop dating. I think it can mean just stop looking for the one. Stop looking for someone who completes you. Take your foot off the gas, be open to a shorter relationship or fling. You might be surprised what you find in a relationship when there’s no pressure for it to work. My sister and I both found our husbands in relationships we thought were definitely going to only be short term.
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Spend your time doing what you like and talk to women you meet while doing that. It has several advantages for dating. :)
I met my current wife in the crackhouse we both frequented, it was very romantic and just like a movie.
and just like a movie.
Trainspotting, Fight Club or Requiem for a Dream?
She’s always beating the shit out of me and may not actually exist so I’ll go with Fight Club.
May I ask how old you are? And what do you mean by a real relationship?
It is harder for guys especially when young. Most of my girl kids found guys on Tinder/Hinge, the boys met their girlfriends and wives more organically, out in the world.
But as an older person, I think that it’s better not to have a relationship goal, certainly not at first. If you have friends who are girls, they have friends who are girls. Hang out and see where it goes without expectations or goals. Maybe you hit it off with one of them but in any event you talk with girls, and get more comfortable.
This book contains the latest research of what makes a man attractive to a woman:
https://annas-archive.org/md5/d7b5ceb2699ed79b4b4db586ef435eb0
It’s pretty high-level, but important knowledge nonetheless. All of it is true in my experience.
I mean, I guess it’ll come to me.
However, this is an incredibly important mindset, if it means what I think it means. You have to truly be ok with being alone for the rest of your life. Just do whatever gives you most pleasure/fulfillment and talk to girls wherever you see them incidentally. Just go about your life, put yourself in situations that you like where other people exist, and strike up conversations.
It’s completely ok to talk to someone at the supermarket, on the street, wherever. Many women fantasize about it in a romantic way. Many women obviously want to be left alone. You have to calibrate your empathy and figure out who is interested or not. But you are allowed to approach and state your interest. Just “dont be creepy”™
If you know you’ll be in a confusing area, there’s location sharing on cell phones. Most of em are good about giving you the opportunity to turn it off. What’s better for if they’re not always gonna have a working phone or might forget it is some kind of tags. No matter how you feel about em, airtags work best for this in the United States because they use apple stuff as a mesh network and there’s more Apple stuff than anything else.
The things that always works for me is stop trying and just working towards being a person I would want to have in my life.
At some point you will find yourself in a relationship without really knowing how it happened.
Yes. my major complaint in life is that most of my dates want to date a man who is a better version of themselves, but don’t want to do the work to be that person themselves. They just seem to think they can absorb qualities via dating a better person or something, it’s bizarre.
basically most of my relationships ended because she refused to do the work to improve her life, and wanted me to do it for the both of us.
This isn’t the most practical advice but here it goes: Live your life, chase your passions, find community, volunteer your abilities, and work on fulfilling yourself. Along the way, keep an eye out for other lonely souls. At least this way, you’re more likely to be starting from some sort of common ground.
If you’re a bit of a black sheep locally, it can also really help (in a multitude of ways) to move somewhere that you fit in better. It’s unfortunate but true, at least in my observations.
Yeah, if you’re an atheist in the rural south, you’re not gonna have a good time.
