I used to work in a new age shop that sold rock salt lamps. A woman came in one time to complain about the lamp she bought.
Woman: My salt lamp was dusty and dirty.
Me: Okay…
W: So I took the rock salt off the base.
Me: Hmm?
W: And I washed it with hot soapy water.
Me: Ah.
W: And it just dissolved!
Me: Yep, it’s salt.
W: I want a refund.
Me: laughs.
This has me wondering if art supply stores have people coming in complaining that their pencil ran out of lead when they were in the middle of drawing.
Aren’t those things like the size of a fist? How long did she wash it for?!
I’m guessing it just lost all of the desirable texture of the crystals
Im thinking she either just ran hot water over it, or decided to let it soak, only to come back to sea water in her sink.
lmao reminds me of that raccoon with cotton candy
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Stop
Stop
STOP
STOP
STOP STOP STOP
WHY THE FUCK WILL YOU NOT STOP
Protip: If they have a lava lamp instead, you can take the lava lamp bottle out, unscrew the bottle cap and drink some lava lamp fluid.
My stepbrother did this once. He kept saying his throat was dry and we found the empty lamp a week later. After rushing him to the hospital to treat his near-fatal injuries, we were saying our goodbyes only two months later…
“Can I get you any thing?”, my heartbroken mother said as she stepped into the room.
“Yeah… I’d lava another lamp…”
Thoroughly disgusted, the rest of our family shuffled out of the room muttering bye. I stayed, as I could take a joke. Suddenly, a monstrous shart leaked out of his ass. “Oh God!!! NURSE” I screamed frantically. “Good Lord,” she gasped while grasping several bedpans. “He should be dead!” “Auuughooohyeh” My stepbro moaned. I looked on in horror as the red ass ham began to burn away and melt his gown and the now 30ish bedpans lining the walls. The poop accelerates. “Somebody get Dr. Kruger!!!” The many nurses exclaimed. At this point they were frantically shoveling shit out the window as I desperately tried not to get burned. After around 10 minutes, Dr. Kruger arrived. “GREAT HEAVENS!!! We’ll need Kevin for this.” He waded into the dookie and tossed my stepbrother into pit dug into ground. The poop accelerates. Suddenly, a wiry, greasy, crazed looking man appeared at the door. At this point, the floor was disintegrating, so he leaped over the many holes and started devouring the kaka. “HOLY HELL,” I shouted in surprise. “Actual Zombie” I began to lose feeling in my legs. However, Kevin vrrmed like a anteater and sucked that shit up harder than 10 year old me getting hit by a Ferrari! Kevin leaped out of the room and slurped up all the poo poo in the ditch. But… something was wrong. The poop accelerates. Kevin didn’t stop. Kevin crawled into my stepbrothers anus and licked it clean. Before he could reach his colon, somebody said “call the exorcist!” and the Poope himself came down from the heavens and uttered three holy words…
“no u”
Kevin’s body is forcibly expelled from my stepbrothers colon and writhes in pain. He began to slowly and excruciatingly crawl into his own anus. The legion of nurses surrounding him pick him up and toss him- no it, into a coffin. My stepbrother staggered to his feet and exclaimed “What a nice shit! I feel great now!” and left. Fortunately we live in Europe so we didn’t have to pay for anything. All the feeling returned to my legs, my stepbrother is taking care of his 13 kids, and Kevin is probably chilling in some SCP containment unit somewhere. Good times!
I feel bad for people who have never licked a Himalayan Salt Lamp.
Yum.
Skin cells, dust mite shit and animal hairs.
Yeah licking random objects in your house is a little unsanitary.
Thanks SatansMagottyCumFart
Oh boy wait until you hear about breathing.
I find breathing to be better than not breathing.
Not licking the Himalayan salt lamp does not have the same effect.
Right I’m confused.
You’re in the bedroom but they go to the restroom
Which fucking one are they in?
my ass is installing linux on the first machine capable of having linux installed on it.
You are not safe, there is nothing you can do to stop me.
The toilet!
THIS is a classic.
Nobody has ported Doom to a Himalayan salt lamp.
Yet.
This is your opportunity!one step at a time my friend, one step at a time…
Your tinder date brings you into their home. While they are having a shower, you grab their laptop to install Linux mint cinnamon on it, but the Ventoy ISO wont boot. The track pad is greasy and crusted up with yellow stuff. Screen hinge is cracked. You boot it up to get your bearings. Windows XP, service pack 1. No password. 1 GB RAM. 32 bit CPU. Super PC clean is running. Blatant malware. No antivirus in sight. Internet Explorer 6 lumbers to the foreground. Fifteen spyware toolbars visible. Popups start flooding the screen. You look at the desktop, its littered with zip files with random file names. The mouse cursor is a pirate with a wooden leg. The CPU fan loudens to an alarming volume even though there’s no programs running that you can see.
Do you:
-
Continue and try to install a 32 bit version of linux
-
leave silently, unmatch them on tinder, and block their number
-
Leave, but not before performing a mercy killing on the laptop
-
