I’d love to share a whole meandering train of thought from my decades of therapy. I know not everyone has access to that so if I can pass on some bits of wisdom from mine maybe it will help you and others.

Anger can be thought of as our body telling us that something is wrong or unjust or bad or a wrong way done to you or someone else. Also worth noting that it is a perception, not an ultimate truth, so it CAN be wrong. E.G. You can be angry at someone for hurting you, but that wasn’t their intent and was accidental. Hold that in mind for a minute while we detour and come back.

Forgiveness is OOOHHH WEEE that’s the hard one. Forgiving is intentionally releasing the anger you feel even if it was done on purpose to you. But what many people fail to realize is forgiveness isn’t FOR the other person, it is FOR you. You allow yourself to not harbor destructive emotions and move on. It helps me to really zoom out and realize we are silly hairless apes floating through space on a wet rock and no one knows what’s going on and we are just doing our best as much as possible. Other ape hurt you, ok, move on. (Easier said than done is an understatement)

Anxiety is our body telling us we need to do something. It is a malfunction as well if it becomes chronic. But often we are putting off doing something we should. Homework, dishes, work, laundry, overthrowing capitalism, sweeping, cooking dinner, etc. A lot of anxiety can be overcome by making a list of tasks, prioritizing them and then doing ANYTHING on the list. Also easier said than done is often the case here too. If you can’t even get that far it may be Dr and Rx time. My Rx helps me get started and into the tasks enough that I can do it. Getting over that initial push is the hardest part.

That detour could be much longer, but I’m coming right back on purpose to get a point across.

So anger at its core is an emotion out brain feels in response to a perceived injustice. But why? To do something about it. If you are angry at someone you live with because they never wash the dishes, but they create dirty dishes then that is your brain saying HEY it’s not fair that they make dirty dishes but I wash them all. So do something. You have choices. You can either forgive them and release the anger and do the dishes as an act of service and love or just because maybe YOU want clean dishes more than they do. Ok, so do them. You could also dump all the dirty dishes onto their bed. That one isn’t recommended, but you COULD do that. You could also take the healthy route and communicate with them. Try to find out why they don’t, tell them you wished there were more clean dishes more often, ask what you could do together as a team to accomplish that and also listen to their point of view on it all. Try to find a compromise. If none can, then back to option A. Forgive and try to move on. Damn that’s hard to do, but you deserve to not harbor anger all the time. Do it for YOU.

So remember the detour? Sit down. Some or even most of your anger may not be at them, it may be at yourself. Oh shit did you just say that? Sorry. But remember how I said anger isn’t an ultimate truth and is a perception of injustice and can be wrong. Yeah. It might be that you are actually angry at yourself for something and you are also layering on anxiety and other strong emotions because you want to “be better” or “do more” and aren’t. That’s been a really difficult one for me to accept. A lot of my anxiety and frustration and anger was really at myself. But remember forgiveness? You can also forgive yourself. For me that looked like recognizing that I was never taught how to manage my emotions, I was never taught how to do chores well, I was never given the tools or instructions on SO MANY THINGS. And sure, some of that is on my parents, some is just learning to human. But even with my parent’s “failure to XYZ” I can forgive them and understand that they were doing their best with what they had been given and taught. It’s called generational traumas for a reason. Your parents yelled at you because their parents yelled at them and their parents yelled at them and all the way back who knows how many steps, but I’d wager if you had a time machine you could go back some number of generations and find an absolute asshole of a person that started it all, it just takes one and then it gets passed down. But the good news is, it doesn’t necessarily have to pass down. It tends to be default, but we can break the cycle with some therapy and understanding and empathy and love and acceptance and forgiveness and all that. You see, when we love it makes a physical rainbow beam that shoots evil and blows it up in an 80’s spectacle of glitter and color. Just kidding, but sorta. You can learn to overcome and make yourself a better person than they were, it takes effort and it’s hard work and it sucks and it’s uncomfortable, but all of it, just like physical exercise will build you into a stronger person. It takes practice. It takes consistency. It takes doing it even when it feels pointless.

Lastly, since we are all just silly little apes on a rock in space, we fuck up, a lot. No one knows what they are doing. We are all making it up as we go. Society is made up. Rules are made up. Language is made up. It’s useful, but it’s all made up. And because it is all an imperfect system created by imperfect beings, it’s going to have flaws. And one of those is that it leaves us all feeling like outcasts, like failures, like a problem. But we feel that way because we aren’t living up to an arbitrary fake system full of flaws. Is that so bad? Would you feel bad if a 5 year old made up a silly game with unclear rules and then you lost to them? You should. KIDDING!!! Of course not. That’s crazy. Now extend that to other things. It’s ok to feel angry at our broken systems. It’s ok to feel insecure about your own role and place in those systems. It’s all a giant mess, but it’s also a beautiful giant mess. Try to accept and even embrace some of the chaos. Let it happen. Do your best. Focus on you. Do what makes you happy. Treat others with kindness and fairness and forgiveness and love.

And don’t forget to stop and smell the roses. Or as the kids say, touch grass. It isn’t an insult, it’s a gentle reminder that life is better enjoying the simple things. The feeling of grass on bare feet and the smell of a flower and watching a bird or insect.

You got this. Let it go. We are silly apes on a rock in space, how absurd is that? Let that fear and anger and anxiety go and go find something you love and appreciate. 💜

For starters don’t call yourself Stinky.

Are you able to recognize what you’ve done right and well?

Lookup internal family systems (a good book would be “No Bad Parts”). It’s like you have parts of yourself arguing and putting other parts down. It’s all parts of you trying to protect you but they maybe don’t recognize the roles each part has. Try to find out what your anger is trying to say, sometimes when the part is heard it is more manageable. The point isn’t to make the anger go away but see if it can let other parts help in whatever need it is trying to accomplish.

I heard somewhere that learning to write with your non-dominant hand helps with self-control and anger management.

Assuming you don’t have access to therapy, but I do think that’s your best bet.

It might help when speaking to yourself to talk to yourself as if you were either a close friend or your as a child. Would you say any of those things to your best friend if they were upset? Probably not, so just train yourself not to speak to yourself that way.

If you think you have an actual anger problem then maybe finding a good outlet for anger would help like exercise or art.