I’ve pretty much hit rock bottom and come to the conclusion that I can’t stay on my current trajectory. It’s already cost me one, if not two, relationships, and I’m tired of dating on hard mode. I’m worried I might be too far gone, so it would be immensely helpful to hear from someone who’s been in the same place and managed to turn things around.
I can manage a week or two with the power of self loathing but once the urges come back I’m really, and I mean really good at coming up with excuses.
I second the opinions for therapy.
I’ve struggled with porn addiction in the past, and I would say I still have to police myself to some degree.
However, after getting some therapy, I’m a lot better about not letting it affect my sex life.
I watch porn, but try to prioritize productive activities that build my relationship. If I watch porn instead of doing that some days, I don’t beat myself up over it. I just observe how it makes me feel, how it makes everyone around me feel (if I take too long getting ready in the morning, for instance).
I cannot stress enough how badly beating yourself up for relapsing keeps you in a negative cycle. It’s really awesome that you’ve identified an area of your life that you’d like to improve, but you don’t get there by focusing on what you don’t like.
Also read into urge surfing! It’s pretty simple. You just wait out your urges. It can be hard to do. But pretty much all urges follow the pattern of increasing in intensity until they reach a peak, then decreasing. So if you can wait through the peak of the urge, it will decrease.
My therapist specialized in addiction therapy, and they also gave me the advice to observe my feelings through every part of the day without judgement. So if you do beat up the bishop one day, try to stave off the shame and just observe. It really helps.
Instead of feeling bad for masturbating, I’ve noticed I get lethargic after I masturbate and that it can affect my perceptions of people depending on the content. This makes me want to forgo the activity much more than negative feelings. I’m aware of the actual consequences, I’m just not giving myself anxiety over it. This allows me to understand where I can fit the activity into the day if I choose to, as well as weigh the actual value and consequences of the action. And if the consequences aren’t worth it after you’ve observed them, you’ll have the knowledge and agency to shut down those urges and break free. Best of luck.
Yeah, I quit and relapsed and that brings us to present day. I can only really get off to femdom porn but the vast majority of femdom porn is gross and terrible. I love dominant women but I fucking hate the porn. I guess it wasn’t all for nothing, I’m not as bad as I was. I’m not a no-fap idiot either. Masturbation is great! I think porn is fine as long as you don’t fucking hate what you’re watching, you practice self control, and It isn’t replacing genuine human connection. Sadly, not an option for me, at least right now.
Yeah, I have nothing against masturbation, it’s the porn that’s the issue for me. I have no desire for sex and I struggle to find normal women attractive. Sex is such an essential part of romantic relationships that I have to work this out if I ever want to succeed in one. I’m not sure I can moderate it. I just have to try and quit it entirely and hopefully there comes a day that I don’t even miss it.
Many people don’t understand that porn is a super stimuli and our brains can be rewired to prefer it over normal sex. They will also argue it is propaganda to suggest such a thing - primarily because of the stigma around sex in a puritan society like ours.
I’m no saint here and don’t have an easy button for you. All I can suggest is go as long as you can without porn, then masturbate to your imagination. The longest streak I’ve managed to avoid porn did this. It may not work for you, but its worth a try.
I realized I had similar issues you mentioned and found online communities that don’t discriminate like rebootnation. Another good reminder that this can happen to anyone is the YouTube series by Terry fucking Crews: dirty little secret. If he had a problem with porn, anyone can.
I’m gonna say this and it’s gonna sound harsh but it’s not meant to be: You need therapy. Therapy saves lives and it’s way easier to speak to a stranger about things that make you feel guilty like this. Admitting you need help is the first step, getting the help, the second, doing the work the third. And I’m gonna be honest, it’s gonna suck, it’s not gonna be easy but it’s gonna make things better and you’re gonna grow through it.
I don’t disagree but that simply doesn’t feel like a realistic option for me. It’s either way too expensive or too hard to get into.
Find groups then. It’s not exactly the same, but 12 step groups are an excellent, free option. Honestly a great addiction recovery plan often includes both individual and group work.
My other half had a very good experience with TalkSpace, which accepts our insurance.
Unless you’re in the Republican medicaid-obamacare gap, you should have insurance and they should have at least some mental health coverage. And if you are or they don’t, a professional stranger via an online service is definitely something you should look into.
I’m not from the US. My health insurance doesn’t cover therapy and the one covered by our “free” healthcare is excremely difficult to get into.
My insurance (US) doesn’t have any mental health coverage and I am not under Medicaid/Medicare/Obamacare. Seems to be common enough. I have an HSA bank account, but it gets rapidly depleted from something like that.
As I said, it’s not easy. You can look up self therapy in the meantime but if you want to change and feel better, you gotta take the steps and that may be putting yourself on a list for free help.
+1 on therapy. Also others are posting about moderation. I would avoid that trap; if we could moderate we wouldn’t be losing control.
With any addiction or habit you want to change the most important part is not expecting it to just be done with, however hard you try. If you want to stop looking at porn all the time, then becoming someone who struggles with porn, and still breaks every couple of weeks is a big step. If you can keep that up for a longer time you might start being someone who breaks every three weeks and so on. What’s tempting is to say “I can’t do it, so why even try” and just give up.
Also, it’s up to you why you want to stop a habit like that. Being conscious of your reasons and motivations can make it a postive step (whcih is easier to motivate) rather than just something you’re preventing yourself from doing. When I was giving up smoking, it was helpful to think about postivies (breathing easier, having more energy, not stinking of smoke) because when I felt stressed and wanted a smoke telling myself “no you shouldn’t” wasn’t motivating.
It can also be helpful to identify the steps that lead up to a difficult decision point. If you’re not wanting to look at porn, but you find yourself thinking “but I’ll just look up some innocent pictures of blahblahblah, that’s not porn, that’s okay” and then suddenly you’re in a situation that requires much more willpower to not fall down the rabbithole.
Good luck!
Being conscious of your reasons and motivations can make it a postive step
That’s kind of the point why I made this thread. At this point the upsides are mostly hypothetical. I have good reason to believe there are positive changes down the road but I lack the evidence and that competes with a fatalistic view that I was “born this way” or that I’ve permanently damaged myself through decades of increasingly excessive porn use. I get that too much is too much, and there’s obviously no downside to cutting back other than how difficult it is, but when the tough times hit it would be reassuring to know there’s light at the end of the tunnel.
The porn-seeking is your maladaptive mood-regulator.
So if you want to change your behaviors or the way you feel about them, you need to change the way you think and feel inside.
Which means stop focusing on the behavior, and start focusing on the underlying feelings which provoke the behavior. I do strongly suggest therapy, because it’s an emotional thing that’s happening which leads to your useage.
Yeah, depression and loneliness are two classic culprits. Even if OP went cold turkey and kept it up, without dealing with the root cause they’re prone to abusing something else instead like video games, religion addiction, exercise addiction, or maybe even substances. And I know some people will say religion and exercise aren’t that bad to get addicted to, but much like porn and video games, the dose can make the poison. This is lemmy so I assume people understand how harmful people can be when they’re too into their religion. I have a relative who has to go to the gym to avoid panic attacks, and physical overexertion can lead to serious injury.
a fatalistic view that I was “born this way” or that I’ve permanently damaged myself through decades
Not an expert nor have I got my monkeys off my back but I would like to say watch out for this type of thinking. I have heard that addiction can be genetic but what is empowering is the opposite is true about how our minds can change once we have changed our situations. I’m referring to something called the elasticity of the mind. And I don’t just mean metaphysically. This is a measured change in the brain. So if you are looking for positive affirmations to keep you going this is a difficult one to realize because you do not even yet know how different you can be. But just try to imagine how exciting that is? Good luck.
I’d agree with the other poster that maybe setting moderation goals would be a really good first step. I guess it depends if you’re aiming for less masturbation, less porn, or less specific types of porn. And it depends on what level you currently find problematic.
For some people the problems with the addictivness of porn are linked to the dopamine hits of modern Internet porn, searching for the perfect thing, changing to newer / different stuff frequently. The a first step might be to continue to use porn when you need to, but your only allowed a single fairly tame video that you’ve downloaded. Eventually it’ll feel boring and you’ll it’s not really just porn your craving, it’s the whole dopamine hunt.
It’s why vapes work so well for many people in giving up smoking. Nicotine is physically addictive and hard to resists, but also just getting your nicotine without all the other fun parts of cigarettes quickly makes it feel less tempting. It’s much easier to give up something meh than something you’re obsessed with.
What I believe excessive porn use has done to me is that sex has become uninteresting even when it’s available, and I also have physical problems performing when I “force” myself to it. These bad experiences then further reinforce my negative associations with sex, which in turn makes me even less interested in trying the next time. I don’t feel that “mundane arousal” throughout the day - I don’t even know what it means to be horny without physical stimulation. I’ve always felt this way, but it has gotten worse over time (I’m in my mid-thirties now). I can’t know for sure whether it’s all due to porn or if porn just makes it worse, since my porn use preceded my first sexual experiences with another person. If it’s something I was born with, then there’s simply no fixing it even if I cut out porn entirely, but since I can’t know that, I don’t see any other way forward than to try and change the things I can change and see if there’s any improvement.
And I just want to highlight that when I say excessive porn use, I really mean it. I can literally waste 8 to 12 hours on it and then do the same again the next day. Even if I watched porn for an hour every single day it would still be a massive improvement (but I’m intending to do better than that).
Yeah I think I can relate (late 30s). Once in a while everyone wakes up in the shower questioning wtf they are doing, right? Since you are free to do whatever but that doesn’t make you happy do you have an answers as to why that is? I had a similar but different situation and if I break it down for me it is: no interest in improving who I am because I can just keep going on games, weed and porn. At some point I realized how much time i waste with games, and that broke like a core thing that I used to enjoy. And with porn it is similar. I can see that masturbating 1-2h before starting the day adds up to a lot. Getting out of that took time and if you’ve come to this point I think you are on a good way if you keep working on it. For me part of the solution that I was holding back because I thought my partner wouldn’t be comfortable if I’d be more open about what I’d be willing to try. And that’s fine. But made me miserable for years. Like ‘I don’t hear music in my head anymore’, which is fixed now but was broken for a shockingly long time.
What made the change? I saw an ad for ‘locktober’, and thought ‘for someone not into chastity you sure have an awful lot of uncomfortable cheap cages. Yet you never considered this challenge’. Can I allow myself to do something considered humiliating and dumb, but for ‘fun’? I guess probably maybe. I started to say yes to more things that are good but uncomfortable for me. Like going to the gym. I almost died on the treadmill but very good level of hurt 5/5 👍. I try to use less social media and dgaf about news because I’m not being paid to keep up with all this bullshit. I mostly play chess on my phone these days to kill time. I have one active hobby that’s fuelling my adhd right now(pottery). I fail often and I don’t know for how long I can keep this up.
And now that I’ve written this up I see that it’s a couple of small changes and not just me thinking ‘I can do locktober easy, I’ll start tomorrow’.
I wish you all the best and that you can figure out something drives you. Seeing a therapist certainly accelerated my process and I would recommend it if you’ve never tried it. Just saying
Did you actually go for locktober in the literal sense of the term or is that just what sparked the idea?
I often thought that if my partner had been more into femdom we could’ve easily turned this challenge into play. Like I said, I’m really good at coming up with excuses for myself when things are up to me but I’m equally good at keeping my promises to other people. I would’ve gladly handed the key in both figurative and literal sense to someone else and have them decide for me. It’s too late now unfortunelately but I’m not sure if it would’ve worked on the long run either way. While the source of the issue with our sex life was undoubtly me there’s no denying that an overall sexual incompatibility played a role as well. It’s not easy to be a dominant looking guy who aint one. I can only hope I have better luck with the next one.
I guess I’m training for it. But yeah seeing a listing on fetlife and playing it through my head and then telling my partner that I’ll fuck around and find out. Learning how to communicate and talk about thoughts/needs/wants takes time and is not something that people casually talk about. Which is why so many people are forever unhappy. I think there’s a small redemption bonus in relationships for at least trying to make an effort to not make the situation actively worse ;)
My favorite work on the subject: https://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2011/02/hes_just_not_that_into_anyone.html
That’s a really good article
You’re struggling with moderating dopamine seeking activities. Porn is the specific one, but carelessness can easily lead to others being the target.
Any activity you can’t regulate will have a deleterious effect on your life. So my question is what do you want to do with that time and effort?
I’m no expert in this. Maybe it’s possible to moderate your use without eliminating it entirely. They say you can’t do that with drugs and alcohol (if you’re an addict), but this may be different.
What’s probably most useful is to find other things you like to do instead. Perhaps you just lack other interests, and that’s why you spend so much time on one thing. You could try developing competing interest(s).
People can become addicted to food, too, but clearly can’t stop entirely. There are comparisons.
That said, I’d say this is more like work addiction or shopping addiction where stopping completely for a time is possible while you detox, then see what feels right about reintroducing healthy versions in a safe way.
Probably so. As with anything, the dose makes the poison.
It’s not that I don’t have other interests or things to do. I think porn (and weed) are ways to escape uncomfortable feelings in my life rather than dealing with them. It also kind of numbs me or makes me lethargic/passive, since I go for the quick and easy reward for low effort rather than the other way around. I don’t even get the same enjoyment from it as I used to, so I just keep upping the dose hoping for the same reward, but I don’t get it - yet I keep doing it.
I think it may be easier to do if you mentally frame it as something you’re putting away until you’re in a place to be responsible with it. When you feel you may be ready for it again imagine what responsible use would look like, maybe only when you want sex but its infeasable (partner or you are tired, date went poorly, etc).
You may want to do similarly with weed.
Giving up something you like permanently sucks, its why so often people keep drinking until they absolutely have to quit, when if a few years earlier they’d taken a few months off and set some rules for themselves before starting again they may be able to keep doing it.
Also as you’re learning to deal with boredom and emotions look up some dbt or cbt resources they help control your emotions by being aware of them and by learning distress tolerance
You just described addiction as a mental condition. People can use anything as an unhealthy coping mechanism. It sounds like you’ve probably correctly identified it as an addiction. Now you can treat it like one.
I think I’ve heard addiction described somewhere as a behavior you keep doing even when you stop getting the good feeling from it, so yes - I’d say it’s definitely an addiction/compulsion.
I used to be addicted but have managed to quit porn entirely. This isn’t something that can be taught though. You can’t solve an addiction when it’s only a piece of a puzzle where the other pieces keep bringing it back.
Im not going to be the best at this advice as I recovered after getting into a relationship.
I can give you some advice and it would be try a simple fast. During the day eat nothing and let that be your craving until night comes and then eat something simple. Bread, rice, etc. Appreciate the simple things.
Most people have too much sugar - which gives you a dopamine release. Constant dopamine release makes your receptors less sensative to dopamine. Higher baseline means you usually will struggle to actually feel pleasure, hence forming this porn dependence. For a moment you can enjoy things as nutting is meant for reproductive goals, aka the main purpose of the animal nature. So it gives a way higher dopamine release.
Once you do cut off porn you can enjoy going out and the simple sight of someone pretty will make you have a pleasant moment. People don’t care if you admire them with your eyes as long as you don’t fixate. Porn itself is unrealistic and if you want to be honest with yourself as I was - the only way to get a similar real world experience is to be the cuck - as you seem to want a relationship. I’m not into that as I am very territorial with those I love.
That’s what porn is, you are just a spectator and not being intimate. Someone else is doing all the actual work and you at no point have to actually understand your sex partner. No commitment and laziness to boot.
Before I discovered the trick of fasting I was already doing exercise. Started with walking wherever I could, to quote a work of art, “She said to me, ‘If you would love me as a man, then live as a man. Travel as a man.’” We are not the machines that facilitate our lives, but the strength to endure and grow. My left foot would lock up while laying down and hurt like a bitch, because of how unused they were - it would hurt for a week or two after. Since then I never have this issue and have found nee things to improve in my body, I stretch more and more, I strength train sometimes, and cardio is a necessity.
Put it all together.
You like hot people go out to the beach or zoo or anywhere and you’ll see them enjoying life. You’ve seen naked people before so you can fill in the blanks if that’s what you really care about. What’s left to the imagination is often much more enticing. It’s easier to have someone else do the work, than to actually take the time and learn how to enjoy someone else’s body - for they have needs and wants you must serve.
Do you want to sit by and let life fly past you or do you wish to have agency in this world? All this advice is not to deal with porn but to stop you from sitting in the stagnation of sheol.
I have lost 110 pounds since 2023. Slow down life and have presence where you are. Enjoy the flowers you walk by, curiousity for the insects you spot, and admire the brilliance of human ingenuity. See more where you saw nothing. Indulge the world, and in turn the world will indulge you.
For context at how rock bottom I was; I hosted my own porn serverfor myself. 8tb of JAV as they have the best metadata systems through the codes, as well as hentai since sites like MyAnimeList treat them as anime. 4tb of amateur and western videos combined with comics/doujins/pics. I would nut only clear liquid and is why I started the change. I want kids and I feared I was infertile, then I realized how would a fat slob catch up to his own kids?
How much are you jerking it? How has it affected your relationships? Are you jerking it to the point you’re not having sex with your gf? Is it interfering with other activities or responsibilities? Were you happy in those relationships to begin with?
Sometimes 8 - 12 hours a day, multiple days in a row. I have no interest in sex at all and yes, that obviously affects my relationships as well as other duties.
Sorry to say, but I think you know already, but at this point it sounds like classic addiction behaviour. Similar to alcoholism, gambling, gaming addiction…
I suggest you look up resources on how to beat addiction in general. And don’t forget, anyone can fall into a trap like this, you are not weak for having a relapse, you are strong for trying again.
I don’t have this relationship with porn but have been addicted to other things. I have found some success in this method:
I tell myself “ok, I can do bad habit in three hours, and I promise myself I won’t feel bad if I do.” and then in three hours, if I can, I just tell myself the same thing over again, and put it off for three more hours. If I buckle, I don’t kick the shit out of myself, and I’ve found that I can make it a whole day if I bargain with myself based on time. If I’m going to do bad habit in three hours, I can think about other things until the three hours is up. And no matter what, setting a small goal (just three measly hours, what’s that to me if I can do bad habit as much as I want when it’s done?) and accomplishing it gives me a different form of reward.
Idk, it doesn’t always work, but when I was trying to fast for health/personal care it really helped me not eat until my “shift” was up.
It doesn’t have to be three hours, it could be 30 minutes, or “when I’m done doing other activity” or something similar. Small goals that are possible to attain.
Interesting approach. I hadn’t considered this one before. Thanks!
I can’t tell you anything uplifting but I found my father’s extensive collection of all possible (legal) kinds of porn a few years back and it honestly scarred me a little. Like mostly not the fact that he watches it but the extremes he apparently takes it to. It was an absurd amount of disturbing material. Oh and some of it might have even been home-made. I didn’t look too closely so I’m not entirely sure and I don’t think I even want to know. I don’t enjoy the thought of being raised by a sex freak. So if you have kids or plan on having them consider that this is what they might feel towards you one day if they ever find out.
I don’t have a personal story to share but a big french youtuber, Tibo in Shape, made several videos about his porn addiction.
You can watch it here, he even dubbed it in english : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xr9FQ9Z8gl4As people have said you need to change from a negative reason of self-loathing to the positives. Performing better in bed, sleeping better, just generally being less depressed, removing unrealistic expectations in bed, not contributing to exploitation are just some of the benefits.
Just set it as a challenge to yourself to go a month without (how nnn started) and set your own punishment and reward (not porn or sex related) for success or failure. On success (or failure), try again.
I don’t understand this anti-porn propaganda. Sounds like those relationships of yours just had jealousy issues. What we do with our own bodies is our business. Find you a partner who respects your bodily needs.
Please read my other replies. This has absolutely nothing to do with jealousity or anti-porn attitudes.
