Yes, this is a real Am I The Asshole, not one where the answer is super obvious and the user is just looking to have their ego stroked.
My SO has BDD and genuinely thinks they look ugly naked. I think they’re 1000% incorrect and that they’re the sexiest human alive, and I would die happy if I could see them naked all the time.
I was diagnosed with a condition called Cone Rod Dystrophy which basically means I’ll lose color vision, then all vision. The timeline is anywhere from next week to 50 years from now.
I want to see them naked every chance I can get so I can cement it in my head before I go blind, but I feel gross for posing that as a reason to let me see them naked.
Like, in the 10 years we’ve been together I’ve never even asked them for a hand job if they didn’t feel up to sex because I didn’t want to seem like a callous asshole, so this would be a big ask from me.
To add in complications, they’re also on the spectrum. Not a criticism since I’m most likely on it too.
There are great answers here. I tell my husband he sees with eyes of love, not with a critical gaze like I have for myself.
I think asking is a good idea, and impending blindness is not an excuse. Don’t push but do explain like you have for us here.
If you have a very joking relationship, maybe tell her that if you go blind without the vision of her, you are gonna have to feel her up all the time to figure out her body.
For me, from the looks of things, NTA. Sensitivity is a wonderful thing if you know how to navigate it right.
SO: has BDD, fears not being enough
You: “I’m going blind. The only thing I want to remember in this world is you”
Y’all been together 10y. Uncomfortable conversations are necessary sometimes. I think you’re going to have to crack some of these eggshells. How you crack them is another thing. I think you gotta start with cracking your own shell about asking. Simply stating you’re horny for example. Whether at that point she’s down for sex, a bj, hj or you have to jerk it in the shower are all valid results of that statement that she has control over. If she says no piv sex but she’ll give you a bj you kinda gotta take her word for it.
My now wife once said she’d give me a bj or sex anytime I asked and I said she underestimated how horny I was. I was right but it was a good week and now she’ll say no if she’s not feeling up to it. A short bit of discomfort, no harm done, longterm benefit where i can ask without coercion worries (usually) and she can respond without being afraid of hurting my feelings or giving me blue balls.
Where’d you get that “she” from?
OP refers to “her” and “she” in other comments. Whatever gender the SO is the overall advice still stands. If your partner says they’re not willing for sex but are ok with oral or a handy then you have to trust that they know themselves. You also have to communicate that you want more sexual release than you’re getting and figure out how that works in.
One thing to keep in mind with body dysmorphia is that what you think about their body is unlikely to change how they feel about their body. Often times, dysmorphia doesn’t stem from outside influences, and is an entirely internal struggle. Depending on what their dysmorphia is rooted in, showering them in praise may help them accept their body, or may compound their negative emotions (“I’m ugly and I’m dating an idiot”).
You both have valid desires, but they’re both at odds with each other. Honestly, I’d recommend a therapy session for the both of you. It would probably be beneficial to have a neutral third party involved in the conversation.
Just tossing on: ‘If I have to go blind I want to make your naked body the vision I take with me into the darkness’ sounds like a hell of a compliment, and maybe the basis for a gothic love song/novella.
You wouldn’t be an asshole for asking, but you would be an asshole if you kept insisting after they said no.
Communication is great, coercion is not.
Also sounds like therapy would be a good idea, but that can be said of anyone.
Perfect answer.
coercion is not.
I emphasize this detail with several exclamation marks!!!
Still depends on the relationship, person, and intent. I can’t speak for others. I may react initially negatively, but I am open to coercion.
Crime is really about intent more than any other factor. Manipulation and coercion can be done with positive and negative intent. If a person manipulates me at a clever level with the best of intentions, I have no problem with it, but again, I only speak for myself.
I may react initially negatively, but I am open to coercion.
You are open to being convinced.
That is not what I said or meant, and it lacks nuance in an unnecessarily insulting way that I find offensive.
No you don’t. :p
Manipulation and coercion when used for dialogue and arguments are inherently negative. That is the meaning that the words carry. Trying to use them in the way that you did means you used the wrong words when trying to communicate with anyone else.
So my sister might tell me it is just a small casual thing with a few people. If she told me it was going to be 60, or my ex would be there, I would not go. However, my sister has arranged things so that people will be scattered in small groups with things to do suitable for the spectrum of people present. She is extremely emotionally intelligent. I understand the concept at a vague level of heuristics, but what that really means on a pragmatic level alludes me, like someone speaking a foreign language. I just don’t think in that space, and no amount of reasoning makes me comfortable with it, despite how much I want and need to be more social. When I show up, I am going to dread it, especially if I see a certain car. That is when I know I have been manipulated out of my comfort zone of logical analysis. I know the intentions well, and I would not have shown up otherwise. So I appreciate being manipulated and coerced by someone that cares.
I have done similar with partners many times. I tend to see the best in people in a deeply genuine way that they often do not see in themselves. I do not mean that in a spurious way like some fantasy fixation. I will absolutely manipulate and coerce someone into a path that leads them to a better place when such logic is plainly obvious to me.
From the perspective of negative feedback loops not creating positive change, that assessment is from the assumption that the constraints of the system are static. If the system state is possible to change, the limitations do not apply.
No one can force another person to learn or grow, it comes entirely from within. It is possible to alter the ingredients and path of least resistance to make such change much more likely even when the person is very initially resistant to said change. I find this kind of situation fascinating.
I’m a high Machiavellian personality and am very capable of manipulating people logically but not emotionally. When I was much younger, I learned about hurting people the hard way. I chose not to be like that and to try to be a force for positive change. I’m not always manipulative or coercive by any stretch. However, when no other approaches appear successful, I will act in a person’s best interest out of love, using every tool available to me. I have no ego or narcissism driving me, as these would make my motivations wrong and spurious. I’m doubtful of myself to a fault. I think in a statistical probability space, and am driven by unbridled curiosity. When a person I care about resists, that is the kind of curiosity I am talking about. I want to understand their perspective better than they know themselves as impossible as that may seem. It is only from this kind of deep understanding, when I know their insecurities well and all the various factors in play, that I then start looking for the butterfly effect of where a small nudge may alter their trajectory and shift their perspective in a fundamental way. This is purely logical and not emotional. It is absolutely manipulative and coercive.
Maybe I am somewhere on the spectrum, but to me, words are cheap, actions are all that matter. I’m not terribly skilled with words, but I am adequate when understanding a complex system well enough to see a fulcrum that generates great change. I choose to let my empathy dominate that space. To me, love is not emotional, it is actions and intentions. All available mechanisms have the potential to be used to express intentions through actions. I do not allow anyone to dictate the zero reference point of what is positive or negative. I ground my zero point to the person, in the circumstance, and specifically to their intentions, as dictated by their actions only. I question all dichotomous logic as a fallacy, especially lines in the sand drawn by others trying to dictate what is positive and what is negative.
The hard part is that they’ve stated that the reason they don’t offer to get me off when they’re not up to sex is because I don’t ask enough, but I don’t ask enough because if they’re not feeling well enough for sex then it seems shitty of me to ask for personal gratification at all.
But it’s really hard to gauge when they’re not feeling well enough to do anything, and when they’re well enough to do it
Not that me cumming is directly relational to me seeing them naked, but it speaks to my hesitation to ask. Because I do ask to see, but they seem to intentionally conflate me asking to see with me asking for sex, even though I’ve explained that when I ask to see I’m literally asking to see them naked.
I have asked for them to think of a way I can ask for personal gratification without seeming callous to their feelings, but like most requests of this nature it falls on deaf ears. Probably because they’re demisexual and don’t really understand a cis gendered straight male on testosterone’s sex drive.
Excuses are never useful as a replacement for good communication.
Of course not, but when good communication is stifled by a field of eggshells, you do what you can.
Our communication on the subject is pretty good, but that alone doesn’t solve the issue. It’s hard to see a way to open that line of communication without them being offended
The hard part is communicating my needs without trampling on their feelings, because at a certain point the onus shifts off of me and I don’t want my SO to have that pressure
This is the point at which you should begin looking for a couples therapist
communicating […] without trampling on their feelings
That’s right. There are better things that can be done with feelings.
Such as?
Have you attempted showering them with barely contained lust? Like looney tune style ‘awooga’ stuff?
Yeah, she asked me to stop because it made her more self conscious.
Sadly that avenue doesn’t work on my partner. Still unhappy with body. in fact I get “your just so lustful my body condition is irrelevant”. So it counter productive.
This is really difficult as your impending doom feelings are somewhat clouding your natural inclinations.
However, it seems like you have not expressed your desires, wishes and reasoning openly and transparently, which would be a good start.
I would say one-sided gratification is not inherently bad if there is trust, safety, an easy out and frequent check-ins, but those need constant attention.
I would echo other commenters saying ultimately you’ll have to feel your way.
Well, of course you can ask but your condition grants you no privileges over someone else’s boundaries. You’re only the asshole if you don’t respect those boundaries.
This really calls for an interpretive dance.
Unfortunately I retired from drinking
Important that there shouldn’t be any coercion yada yada but as a BDD sufferer my Owner pushing me (consensually) to be naked more often has helped me develop a better body image and allowed me to feel desirable
Man, you guys are fucking AWFUL exploitative enterprises don’t give q shot .I from the I’m fucked because I don’t support the allegiant
Bullshit
Huh?
So I assume you are in a relationship where you can openly talk about your needs and wishes. And in this case asking them would be okay in my book. Depending on your communication it may help to give them some context. I guess your desire to burn their image in your head comes (partially) from the fear of forgetting. I’d also try to think of a way to achieve this without your SO just having to stand there, naked, vulnerable and being started at. How could you make this as comfortable as possible, maybe even fun for both of you?
BUT it has to be clear to your SO that they can say no and that you won’t be upset about it. You know your SO best, so I hope your are able to bring this point across.
Your current situation is a conflict of interest. You want to cement that body of your SO into your brain and they likely feel unbelievably uncomfortable with the mere thought of it. Both of you have valid points from your own point of view. My spouse is a very visual person, I have a lot of issues, also related to my body. Sometimes he’s taking a few photos so he can stare at them instead. Maybe there are also potential compromises / walk arounds you can find.
I really appreciate your answer
But the fact that I’ve never pushed anything is actually part of the issue. I’ve been happy to let my SO go at their own pace, but by their own admission it’s why I don’t get the sexual gratification I’d enjoy. Like, when we first started dating they were the ones pushing me to engage in penetrative sex while I wanted to hold off.
Although that backfired on me because my penis doesn’t work.
I also identify as demi, and In day to day life when stuff needs to get done sex just never occurs to me. I think when your partner says ask, they genuinely mean it. It’s possible for a demi or ace to just forget sex exists entirely for a while.
I also have been in the position where when my partner asked I felt pressured. Maybe talk about making space for intimacy, and designate a time where you focus your attentions solely on each other. Time where you can sit together and cuddle and talk, not putting any pressure or expectations on having sex but instead enjoying each other’s company. Physical touch should be a part of it, but also be genuinely ok with that whether it escalates or not.
Recreate that “date night” feeling, just at home in any hour or half-hour window of time you might have, as long as you can put life aside for a little.
Asking once is not pushing. I have C-PTSD and because to that issues with self worth and fears of abandonment. I still get that my spouse and I need to communicate our needs and thoughts. So I get that it’s hard and I know that these conversations can be painful. It’s still totally possible and necessary to talk about this but the amount of excuses you come up with in this thread make it seem like the issue is more on your than on your SOs side since you seem to have hell of a problem to communicate your needs without feeling bad for it (no offense intended, the struggle is real!).
Having needs is normal, that they sometimes conflict with the comfort zone with your SO is also normal. If you feel like you can’t talk to them, write a letter, let them read it in peace and answer you in their preferred way.
So, suppose your partner uses her BDD to pressure you into not looking at her naked, saying she’ll be okay being naked around you once you lose your sight. How would that make you feel?
