Community Note: This is actually bad advice that will get you stabbed
I do all the vacuuming here.
Considering neither me nor the wifey are fertile, I think this is easily debunked and closed, then label as “incel drivel” and thrown into the fire.
- Top 10: Ways to flirt with a woman sexually
- Top 10: Ways to flirt with a woman financially
- Top 10: Ways to flirt with a woman bureaucratically
- Top 10: Ways to flirt with a woman maliciously
- Top 10: Ways to flirt with a woman abstractly
bureaucratically
Please complete forn 69-J (in triplicate) if you’d like to grab dinner.
Oh. Can I see the abstractly list?
Sounds fun
Tell her “three yellow squares in a row, and beneath them a big purple circle.” Next thing you know, you’re being passionately shagged.
I was also curious about the abstractly. Release the list.
I found this one.
1. Assume interesting shapes
Hard to understand geometry can inspire curiosity. Intrigue her by adding more complexity to your configuration!
2. Playfully interact with her as different people
Hate to break it to you, guys, but not having a personality isn’t going to impress anyone. What will impress a lot of people is having 7, 8 or 9 different personalities that come and go as the mood changes.
3. Get close!
Close bonds often reflect a close geography, so try to be in the same room she’s in as much as possible. If she wanders into the kitchen for a soda, wander in yourself to wash your hands. If she’s talking to a friend in the hallway, talk to a different friend in the same hallway.
4. Be funny
Comedy can be extrapolated from this base formula:
P = ¬P
Such an expression being true would require the dissolution of all fundamental axioms of logic and reason, and is therefore funny. Try explaining this to her.
5. Be mysterious
Nothing is more sexy than a masked man of mystery. Show her how mysterious you are by playing ominous sounds while describing a job you don’t know you have, and people you don’t remember speaking to!
6. Be
The best way to make yourself available to a woman is to have an existential presence in our natural world.
7. Share the things you have in common
Impress her by ovulating with her!
8. Don’t be afraid to be saucy
Demonstrate your wild side by flopping about or rubbing against nearby objects and furniture.
But don’t get carried away. Being too floppy can be off-putting. Try to match her level of floppiness.
9. Gifts make the heart grow fonder
Gifts are a great way to establish a connection and to show how much you care. Try giving her the gift of self-love, or the depth of pure sadness. You could also teach her to be less co-dependent!
10. Try MDMA!
Ecstacy looks really weird in movies. This could be a great way to experience something new together!
I want to know how to maliciously flirt. Hey sexy, want to come to my place and stick your fingers in the power outlet?
release the abstractly files
In the unlikely event that she reacts poorly she might be on her period. You should ask her to make sure though.
And if the woman happens to overreact to the period question, just politely tell her to calm down.
… not forgetting to add a term of endearement, such as “sweetie”, “honey” or “babe”.
If she doesn’t, tell her she’s acting crazy.
Bonus points if you instead say she is being hysterical.
Yeah i always take stock and usually calm down when a guy im arguing with points that out.
This is like when you teach someone that a swear is a greeting in a foreign language
Not sure if AI or just incredibly stupid.
Pretty sure it’s a joke.
We live in a post irony world and I literally can’t tell the difference without knowing the source.
Why not both?
Of course, I forgot answer C. All of the above.
TIL I ovulate every Sunday 😂😅
Congrats! 🎉🎉🌻
Where the fuck do you keep all the eggs? Do you have a walk in fridge?
In europe we store our eggs unrefrigerated
The chicken ones, sure, but are all your climates mild enough that they hatch like that?
Every day here and I don’t even have ovaries!
Damn I guess I’ve never ovulated in my life
Oh yeah. Zero chance of back fire. Zero. Had sex all my life - once with a women. Trust me.
once with a women. Trust me.
Stop bragging
We all know that won’t work. Try this instead.
The stinkier the cheese, the more the fascination!
I keep stealing shoes, and filling it with rue, but all it’s given me are shouting matches
My ex gf and i used to steal each other fancy cheeses. It was the most intense love i have ever felt.
How do you steal each other fancy cheeses? Or steal fancy cheese from each other?
So, you steal a fancy cheese, right? Then you give it to your girlfriend. Then maybe she steals a fancy cheese that reminds her of you and passes it off. Now youve stolen each other fancy cheeses.
From where though? The fancy cheese store? Does every town have one of these for purposes of romantic theft?
Wherever.
My mom and I used to steal fancy cheese for each other. God I miss that woman like you can’t believe. 10/10 mom and person.
This made me cry.
Ha. She’s one worth crying over. Lost her in April, and I don’t know that I’ll recover. Hug your loved ones. ♥️
But I will tell you, she taught me how to steal fantastic cheeses, and we never went hungry again. Haha.
That’s kind of an insane gift for a first date given how expensive cheese is.
I mean, if he makes it himself or knows the people who do, he probably gets it a lot cheaper than at the store.
Would marry that farmer. No questions asked, no long engagement. Straight to the court house, we’re getting hitched.
Bro, plastic cheese…
Bro, that’s cheese coated in wax.
“Are you ovulating? I have cheese if you are.”
Yes, that one there officer. He tried to put a Kraft Single in my bra.
no wonder it didn’t work, that’s not even cheese
Nilered did a video on this, it’s technically at least cheese-adjacent
It’s cheese, with stuff added to it. The stuff being more milk and some shit to keep it solid at room temperature as well as shelf-stability. It’s essentially a solidified cheese sauce. You can even make it at home.
i mean, so is grass
He failed though. Arrest him, and bring me someone taller.
To be fair, cheese works on most people, whether or not they’re ovulating.
The cheese is under my foreskin
I tried this with my fiance with a dairy allergy and now I’m single again.
Yeah but this one unironically works for a lot of women.
Works for a lot of men too. I mean not me. I prefer mozzarella.
Fun fact, the digestion of milk/cheese creates casomorphins from caesin, one of the most prominent peptides in milk. Casomorphins can activate opioid receptors. Giving a woman a slice of cheese might work in your benefit if she eats the cheese.
I read that as “a slice of milk” and like. Technically yeah it’s not wrong
Fascinating
Bitches love cheddar
Idk, this piece of advice legitimately works on my wife.
That shoe one just reminded me that when we bought our house and had to start renovations on it, the attic had lots of women’s shoes. Just one shoe from a pair and all different shoes. I have so many questions for the previous owner, but unfortunately they are no longer with us.
Maybe they robbed a shoe store. On displays they frequently leave one shoe from a pair so that stealing them just nets you a pile of left shoes lol
If they were all the same size, perhaps amputee?
Or maybe a really specific fetish.
Maybe both.
Quite possibly a question best left unanswered, at least until you no longer live there
I like the idea that these are all steps to one process. Like, you gotta steal her shoe and some hair and pins, and the best distraction is with cheese.
Written by Coolguy Sexhaver.
No relation.
That sounds like Strong Bad’s alter ego.
The Cheat is vacuuming.
The Cheat is ovulating.
Rings true to me. My wife never vacuums and is past menopause.
That doesn’t sound right but I don’t know anything about women to dispute it.
Lol who wrote this, Ben Shapiro?
It’s typo progressive for him. He’s the “your wife shouldn’t get wet” type.
Edit: autocorrect fail in the worst/best way there
Dont get her wet, don’t feed her after midnight. Hes very strict about rules for his wife.
This has to be satire.
It’s not. It’s from 2008 and the site is still posting weird shit now.
Here’s an archive of this particular tip, the others are cringe too. So are the comments
Edit: there was a dating tips newsletter too
It’s not. This has worked on me four times.
There’s no way that last sentence especially isn’t satire
I thought so too until I went to the website and I still couldn’t tell :/
There’s lots of really fucking stupid people out there so who knows.
I am once again asking lemmy users to check what community they’re in before commenting
I understand the user is using this as a shitpost but that doesn’t mean the original content was for sure satire. It could also just be written by an idiot. Shitposts and idiot generated content are not mutually exclusive.
You can’t really expect consciousness from straight cis men.
A bit of sexism, wouldn’t be funny otherwise, right?
Yeah thats absolutely what that is. You’re so good at reading.
